Man Shocked By LNP Success In Queensland Also Shocked By Ocean Alley ‘Mystery Aussie Act’ Revelation

Splendour In The Grass organisers have today announced that their ostensibly ‘much-anticipated mystery Australian band’ is mediocre Triple J rotation act Ocean Alley, surprising absolutely nobody, except for one man. The most easily shocked man in the country.

Fourth-year Arts/Commerce student, and local career idiot, Damien Bolton (21).

Sources say the Macklemore fan was ‘absolutely levelled’ by the revelation, and was said to be ‘keen to see the Ocean Alley boys rip it up! Yew!’ He also couldn’t wait to ‘chuck some shakas in the air’ during the set by American renaissance man, Childish Gambino.

The Ocean Alley surprise was a welcome one for Bolton, who was left absolutely gutted by the Federal election just a few days ago.

‘I just can’t believe rural Queenslanders would betray the nation like that,’ said a visibly shaken Bolton in an exclusive interview with The Obiter on Saturday night.

‘Why would a bunch of happy clappers in mining country vote for a conservative Christian who brought coal into parliament? Why are they like this?!’ he moaned, but not in a hot way.

While the Labor loss left Bolton devastated, the absolute shock of Ocean Alley’s Splendour appearance has him looking forward to the future.

‘I mean that’s life isn’t it? Just twists and turns all the way, hey? Haha. What’s next? David Bowie dying? Bill Cosby a rapist? Haha. Nah no way cobber, comedians can’t be rapists.’

Way more to come.

Newly-Appointed Master of Coin Bronn Floats Franking Credits Reform

The Small Council of Westeros has seen a major reshuffle after a leadership change late yesterday rocked the power dynamics of the capital.

Daenerys Targaryen’s reign will be remembered as one of the shortest in recent memory, after her inner circle changed allegiances in a spill on the floor of the Throne Room.

The new leader, Bran the Really Fucking Broken, is a political novice who supporters hope can unite the realm around his good looks,  boyish charm and ability to get inside the minds of disengaged citizens.

The young King’s first task was to choose his council. In a surprise choice, former cutthroat Bronn of Highgarden has been named Master of Coin.

Yielding limited fiscal experience, Bronn begun his first economic summit by floating a fairly divisive idea.

‘M’lords, I spent the weekend looking at it and it does seem to me that this whole franking credits business is a bit of a gift.’

The declaration sent shivers through the council chambers. Cash refunds for franking credits was how many Westerosi common folk funded their retirement. Many pensioners in Westeros, some as old as 38, depended on these credits.

Not to be deterred by conventional political wisdom, Bronn pushed his case. ‘It just feels like we have this generous social welfare scheme that Lord Baelish enacted and to keep that in place without reigning in these credits isn’t sustainable.’

Behind closed doors, party insiders say this is a mistake. ‘He’s showing he’s new to this,’ one unnamed and unarmed source told The Obiter.

‘Attempts to close the franking credit loophole have been politically toxic in Westeros since before Aerys.’

Bronn today released figures explaining that the refund costs the Crown more than expenditure on City Watch, armada and mega dragon rapid fire spears combined.

‘This is fiscally irresponsible and economically misguided,’ Bronn said in a conference many inside the Red Keep have described as amateurish.

‘He has no clue what he’s doing,’ a well-regarded economist explained. ‘Bronn is trying to reach into your pockets and grab what is yours. It’s a tax, nothing more nothing less.’

King Broken Little Bran Boy was reportedly negotiating a peace treaty between the First Men and the Children of the Forest when asked to comment on the supposed incompetency of a senior master.

‘He’s doing exactly what he must.’

More to come.

Bill Shorten Calls Steve Smith To Ask About Reverse Swing

In the wake of his crushing electoral defeat, and personal inability to continue on as the leader of the Australian Labor Party, the husband of Chloe Shorten (also known as ‘Bill’) has engaged in some serious soul-searching these past two days.

The swing that was promised, the swing that would deliver Labor a parliamentary majority, and would deliver Bill the famed Prime Ministership, failed to eventuate, and in fact, a number of key electorates swung away from the Labor Party. They swung toward the Liberal Party, in a way many commentators are describing as ‘unorthodox,’ ‘atypical,’ or even ‘reverse.’

On Monday morning, grappling with this so-called political concept of ‘reverse swing,’ the husband of Chloe Shorten called the foremost expert in the field.

Steven Peter Devereux Smith.

Once Australia’s beloved Test cricket captain, Smith had disgraced his reputation in Cape Town, 2018, as he oversaw a team policy of using sandpaper on one side of the ball to generate ‘reverse swing.’ Reverse swing, in the cricket context, comes about when one side of the ball is so rough that air flows faster over the smooth side, causing the ball to ‘swing’ in the direction of the smooth side.

This is in contrast to conventional swing, which tends to both a) deliver the ALP the Federal Election, and b) swing away from the shiny side, and is more dependent on wrist and seam position.

‘Billy, how can I help?’ said Steven, answering the call of the Opposition Leader.

‘I told you, Steve, it’s Chloe Shorten’s Husband. That’s the legal name on my passport now. Anyway, I had to ask - is there any way to predict reverse swing? If I see reverse swing coming again, is there anyway to reverse the reverse?’

‘Unfortunately, Shorten, there isn’t,’ replied Steven, much to Chloe Shorten’s husband’s annoyance. ‘You can take an off-stump guard and try to cover your stumps the best you can, to prevent the inswinger, but then you’re a real risk of edging to the keeper or the cordon.’

‘Well then, how about conditions? What makes reverse swing happen?’ pressed Shorten.

‘The ball needs to be roughed up, so reverse swing tends to happen in hotter, drier climates, like country Queensland,’ said Steven, confirming Shorten’s worst fears.

Muttering something about ‘fucking Queensland,’ Chloe Shorten’s husband hung up, and poured himself a tall glass of Mountain Blast Powerade. It was going to be a long Monday.

No more to come.

‘Why Didn’t They Vote For Us?’ Cries Greens Volunteer Who Called Every Longman Resident The C Word

‘I just don’t understand,’ wept 22-year old Greens volunteer Amy O’Rourke.

‘How could Queenslanders not vote Green?’

The International Relations student was shocked and devastated by the results of Saturday’s federal election, especially after all of the hard work she had put into persuading central and northern Queensland voters of the benefits of voting Green.

Amy deferred uni for the semester so she could join Bob Brown on his anti-Adani caravan trip. ‘I don’t know what it was that turned these people off,’ pontificated O’Rourke, who managed to call every voter in the Longman electorate a ‘capitalist c**t’ over the course of the trip.

‘It’s so strange that they didn’t come with us after we made the effort to drive north and explain why Adani is an evil fucking hellhole that they should be willing to accept unemployment for, because they didn’t get smart and go to uni like me and my friends.’

‘It’s not Adam Bandt’s fault you don’t know how to read.’

The loss is still sinking in for Amy, who at one point threw an iced green into a potential supporter’s face because he asked how the Greens intended to pay for all their policy proposals.

‘Fucking coal muncher,’ Amy screamed before singing ‘Fight Song’ with her fellow activists.

The mystery of the Greens’ failure to win the hearts and minds of rural Queenslander workers will no doubt be the subject of many a political autopsy in the coming weeks.

More to come.

‘How To Do LinkedIn?’ Googles Tony Abbott

Outgoing member for Warringah, and former Prime Minister, Tony Abbott has found himself out of a job after losing the seat he held for a quarter of a century.

The divisive ex-pollie has now woken up to the prospect of finding a job, a task he reportedly believes is ‘a bit of a fucking chore.’

‘I’ve been told by my daughters that I need to link in?’ a confused Abbott told The Obiter.

‘I need to link in on the line? And the boss man find the link and links in too? It’s all a bit linky for my liking. I’d rather be out there, shaking some hands, and being with the commonfolk.’

The Sydneysider was seen earlier today balancing a laptop on his knee on the beach, muttering that he had gotten ‘sand in his resume.’

‘The Link In is now covered in salt,’ Abbott whinged. ‘The salty water is in the link. I need a photo to link to connections it says here.’

Abbott proceeded to smash his keyboard in a Hulk-like manner.

‘Siri, make the link make me a job please. I wish to become a second-year paralegal, or failing that, an administrative officer. Please, Siri!’

At press time, Abbott was attempting to send an email to George Pell asking if he could set him up with an altar boy gig.

More to come.

Antony Green Runs Through Guard Of Honour To Emerge On Electoral Playing Field

Under the rousing tunes of Green Day’s ‘Jesus of Suburbia,’ Australian electoral expert and the human version of the Wood Frog (which freezes 65% of itself over winter), Antony Elizabeth Green, sprinted into the roaring crowd in the ABC studios to provide his ultimate service to the nation, a service he provides rarely, but incredibly efficiently and skilfully.

The service is simple, but dangerously effective in the right hands, and effectively dangerous in the wrong ones. It’s providing commentary next to cute data schematics.

Talk about democracy manifest, Mr Succulent Chinese Meal Guy! This is Antony manifest, and by God, does it look beautiful.

Ever since he was exposed to radiation in a freak cardboard polling booth accident in 1985, Mr Green has been the face of the election, more so than ScoMo or the other guy, or the other bigger guy with the yellow signs.

We know politics!

And tonight on the ABC, the guard of honour, formed by the corpses of cryogenically frozen former Prime Ministers and captains of the Australian cricket team (comfortably the two most important jobs in this nation), will form in resplendent fashion for Green, as he charges into the electoral playing field with two fresh tattoos on each fist.

One fist reads ‘Facts.’ The other reads ‘Matter.’ The third reads ‘why the fuck do I have a third fist?’ We wouldn’t bother to ask, because the King never gives a straight answer.

But what he does give is a relentless sense of brilliance in electoral analysis.

More to come.

Wake Up Sheeple! Labor Killed Bob Hawke To Win The Election

A near-unanimously adored former Labor prime minister dies mere days before a very close election, potentially sending a not-insignificant number of swing voters into the Labor camp on a tidal wave of nostalgia.

So very convenient, isn’t it?

If only it were that simple.

The evidence is damning, and it points in one direction only: the damn dirty lefties in the ALP have murdered their favourite son in their bloodthirsty quest for power.

There is simply no other explanation for passing of an 89 year old famed for significant alcohol consumption.

Yet another mischief perpetrated on the Australian people by Bodgy Bill and his lizard cronies.

‘Do It For Hawkie,’ Thinks Man About To Die Of Alcohol Poisoning Tonight

As Fraser Grant (23), the HR rep for a mid-tier consulting company, sipped on his fifth schooner on Friday afternoon, a thought crossed his mind. A thought which would sum up his attitude to the evening’s frivolities, and a thought that has a very decent chance of leading him into the realm of alcohol poisoning.

‘Do it for Hawkie.’

Signalling to his mates that he’d get the next round, and mentioning that they ‘could be in for a big one tonight fellas,’ Fraser walked to the bar, with the inescapable thought bouncing around his head.

‘Do it for Hawkie.’

The news of the legendary Prime Minister’s death has affected millions of Australians, and none moreso than those who view Hawke as a titan of this country’s greatest pastime: having an honest beer.

For all his brilliant economic reforms, and his unparalleled capacity to reach both sides of the aisle whilst never losing his warmth and understanding for all Australians, Bob Hawke will forever be remembered as the lifelong Prince of Piss, the Emperor of the Empties, and the Tsar of Tsome beers.

And that undeniable Hawke legacy will weasel its way into the mind of Fraser tonight, as he returned to the table with four pints in hand.

‘We doing pints then, Frase?’ asked Harry du Veidt, the South African colleague who surprises everyone when he actually comes out for a beer.

‘Yeah mate, it’s what Hawkie would’ve wanted! Drink up boys, I’ve got a feeling we could be settling in for a long night.’

Whether Fraser makes it home at midnight and falls asleep on the couch in his wrecked shirt, or whether he’s found facedown in a gutter in the Valley slowly dying of alcohol poisoning and cirrhosis of the liver, we know one thing for sure.

Whenever a beer touches the lips of an Australian, Bob Hawke is always watching. And that’s the true promise for all Australians.

Vale. More to come.

'Tax The Rich, But Also Just Give Them $60 000 With Our Free Uni Policy,' Thinks Confident Greens MP

Arthur Bensington-Whiteley (33), the Greens candidate for Ryan, sat back in his desk and sighed contentedly, sipping on a short long black from his Frank Green reusable coffee cup.

He’d just written up a great policy memorandum, briefing his staffers on how to discuss the Greens’ chief education policy initiative: free university to all Australians. An enormously appealing policy to young Australians, this fresh approach would eradicate the current HECS system, and ensure tuition payment for all who seek tertiary education.

‘Um, dare I say, woke?’ he typed, chuckling to himself as he delicately employed youthful slang in the memo to his youthful team.

Arthur himself felt the cold grip of HECS debt around his neck, or at least he would have had he not enjoyed the benefit of having parents who told him ‘don’t worry, mate, we’ll cough up’ when he announced the fees for his Bachelor of Arts/Bachelor of Commerce at UQ.

But free uni definitely would’ve helped alleviate the burden of his parents, thought Arthur, reflecting on the heartbreaking time they could only go on one ski holiday in the second year of his degree.

Looking over his memo, Arthur particularly found himself struck by his own brilliance in his concluding phrase, which neatly summarised his approach: ‘Tax the rich, but also straight-up give them $60 000 with our free uni policy.’

‘Wowza. Hit the nail on the head with that one, Art!’ he yelled to no one in particular.

He couldn’t wait to get out to his electorate tomorrow, to sing the praises of a wealth transfer that saves upper-middle class families tens of thousands of dollars per year.

‘If there’s anything the wealthy need, it’s a little bit of their bloody burden alleviated!’ he was ready to yell in a suburban shopping centre, looking very slick in his open-necked checked shirt.

At the end of the day, the sort of platform that both decriminalises drugs, and then gives the middle class $60 000 to spend on coke over four years, is exactly the sort of platform that we at The Obiter genuinely love and cherish.

Vote Green. Way more to come!

Parents Who Named Their Children 'Qyburn' Really Miffed By Latest GoT Episode

This morning, parents across the globe have been gripped with fury at Game of Thrones showrunners, David Benioff and DB Weiss.

The decision of the ‘Double D’s’ to brutally kill off beloved member of the intelligentsia, Qyburn, has enraged those hundreds who have named their children after the gentle, curious scientific researcher.

‘It’s just fucking bullshit. This character who was the intelligent, logical voice in the show was mercilessly killed in a sadistic way. What am I going to tell my son, Qyburn Johnson?’ said Martha Johnson (48), a major Game of Thrones fan and Townsville resident.

‘And what’s he going to tell his son, Qyburn Jr?’

Martha named her firstborn son ‘Qyburn’ four years ago, in the halcyon days of Qyburn being the chief protagonist of Thrones, and having a story arc as compelling as it was inspiring to youth. Scientific experiments, political machinations, and ending up the Hand of the King? Sounds like Qyburn was a King’s Landing superstar.

And at the end of the day, to see such a brilliant character have their brilliant arc sacrificed on the altar of far-from-brilliant screenwriting, the blood simply boils!

We spoke with Qyburn Johnson forty years in the future, and he indicated that his name was a ‘pretty fucked one to have in Townsville.’ And in other news, Qyburn Jr has just been selected for the Townsville Blackhawks junior squad. Well done, son!

Thanks Australia, little more to come on this front.