UQ Solutions: Turn The Schonell Into The Ramsay Theatre For Western Performance!

Anyone who's anyone walking around the fabled grounds of the UQ campus at the moment will know three things are in huge debate.

The demolition vs redevelopment of the Schonell Theatre, the introduction of the Ramsay Centre for Western Civilisation to build on an Arts degree, and finally whether the drinking tap at the entrance of the Law Library is so slow to fill up a water bottle that it’s even worth using.

While for legal reasons we can't comment our thoughts on the pissweak bubbler, we are willing to lend our voices to the debate, and to anyone nearby, as to the future of the Schonell and the Ramsay Centre.

Proponents of the Ramsay Centre say it will bring 'free' money to UQ's HASS department, while advocates against it claim it is simply a bullish form of imperial racism disguised as a friendly degree. As for the Schonell, really the debate is between whether we need another building of classrooms.

I know I love classrooms!

But, to quote Mia (that's actually her name) from Old El Paso, 'porque no los dos?' Or to more accurately quote the people who created One Direction, 'why don't we smoosh them together?'

Genius!

Let's create the Ramsay Schonell Theatre for Western Stuff and other Performances. Then we'll have a juicy new theatre, for free, and the Law Revue, Med Revue, Underground Theatre, Opera students etc. will be able to perform to their heart's desire, in between the odd showing of 'An Octoroon,' and the musical retelling of 'Birth of a Nation'.

And we can’t wait to see Tony Abbott star in the debut production of ‘The Book Of More-Men,’ a musical about Tony’s opinions on the makeup of the Federal cabinet.

Can't see how that could possibly go wrong!

Peter HOwithalinethroughitJ, the ball is firmly in your court. And by court, we mean the Supreme Court, because if you don't make it happen we'll sue you for something or another.

So much more to come.

Phil Gould Delays Origin Kickoff With 236-Minute Monologue

The Obiter can confirm that kickoff for tonight’s State of Origin Game I has been delayed, with Phil Gould’s pre-game monologue expected to stretch to a staggering three hours and fifty six minutes.

The speech, which tops the length of each of the Lord of the Rings films, is expected to touch on a range of topics, including Queensland’s hopes in the Cherry-Evans era, the prevalence of filmed group sex in the rugby league community, denuclearisation, puppy fat, and the legacy of Henry Kissinger.

Most interestingly, Gould’s speech will include a performance of his very own forty-three minute one act play titled ‘Friday Night Hairball,’ which tracks his struggle with having stupid looking hair in 2011-2012. The one-act piece, which also stars Jessica Lange in the dual roles of The Angel and The Doctor, has been described as ‘surprisingly good,’ but in the same way you’re surprised when the $7 steak special at the pub isn’t grilled cardboard.

As players and fans grow restless, Gould has rumbled on with his very special turn of phrase, drawing a long analogy between Cherry-Evans and Jesus Christ. ‘From pariah to messiah’ is clearly a phrase that Phil has spent some time working on.

No matter how long we wait for kickoff, however, we can be sure that whatever nonsense Gould spews for the next hour will be better than the simply deranged decision to have Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson provide the pre-match speech in 2015.

That was fucked.

The rest of the details surrounding Gould’s speech remain a mystery. But one thing is certain on this chilly Wednesday night at the Cauldron.

This….. is…. Origin.

More to come from this young team, the weight of history upon their shoulders, as they look to their new captain for hope and inspiration when the times get tough, and Origin football falls upon you harder than ever.

Centuries Of Genocide Made Good By Elite Private School’s 'Sorry Day' Display

Phew!

Just as it looked unlikely that the vast disparities in health and economic outcomes between Indigenous and non-Indigenous Australians would be closed anytime soon, The Obiter is excited to report today that centuries of genocide, ethnic cleansing and structural discrimination have been made good by a local elite private school’s Sorry Day display.

The display, incorporating an Aboriginal flag, as well as poems written by the non-Indigenous students of what is among the country’s most expensive private schools, has properly addressed the gaping historical injustices that linger on in this country to this day and completely healed the divide between Indigenous and non-Indigenous Australians.

At press time, a spokesperson for the Yugara and Turrbal peoples of Brisbane confirmed that Indigenous Australians everywhere had accepted the elite private school’s apology and looked forward to the day the progressive minded sons and daughters of the elite would themselves come to power and preside over the exact same system of structured oppression and inequality their fathers presided over, while making sure to begin every uttering with a blithe acknowledgement of Country.

Guess this is a major bullet dodged for those afraid that tokenistic recognition of the suffering endured by Indigenous Australians would detract from any resolution of the broader issues.

And at the end of the day, it’s unlikely anything will be able to have remotely the same impact as a moment’s silence at assembly before the school collectively listening to ‘Solid Rock’ by Goanna.

Please for the love of God, no more to come.

Smear Campaign During Year 7 School Captain Election Ruthlessly Effective

The hopes of a future Year 6 Leader in Kedron West are in tatters today after the launch of a merciless smear campaign. Brody McFadden (11) was the forerunner and 6C nominee going into the general election however pre-polls now have him polling in the single digits after rival Timothy Duke accused McFadden of shitting himself during last week’s assembly.

McFadden’s campaign, based upon fighting austerity measures imposed by the P&C who reduced the schools muffin morning from weekly to monthly, proved wildly popular among the student body. It appears that Duke could not secure the funding to upgrade the school’s computer labs and had to fight dirty.

The smear campaign was launched during first break with a team of lobbyists spreading rumours that quickly made their way through the handball line. This coincided with the appearance of posters showing McFadden’s face smeared with poo coloured Texta. While Duke denies any involvement in the erection of the posters despite an outcry by McFadden loyalists.

We reached out to Brody for a comment, he spoke to us through tears.

‘I didn’t poo my pants I swear. I was sitting near stinky Hamish, he probably did it. This isn’t fair I don’t even want to be school captain anymore I just want people to not think I’m weird and a pant shitter.’

Unfortunately, the impact of the campaign has reached the McFadden family. Brody’s dad can no longer drop his son in the zone near the school in the mornings due to fears of being associated with a known pant shitter.

‘Yeah, it’s pretty fucked, I thought I’d raised him better than this. Everyone knows politicians are grubs but I didn’t think they ever meant it this literally,’ stated Chris McFadden (42).

Even Brody’s mum Tracy, who has been a lollipop lady for over a decade at the school hasn’t escaped unscathed.

‘Some of the meaner kids added an extra O to my fluoro vest so now it says Lollipoop,’ said Tracy.

As at the time of publication McFadden is preparing to fire back with accusations that Duke is a nose picker however it may be too little too late with Timothy already preparing his victory speech. In hindsight such a brutal campaign can’t be good for the mental health of a prepubescent boy, but if you can’t handle the heat get out of the quadrangle.

Further election coverage to come.

Heartbreaking: This Student Has Lost Five Grandmas This Semester

The Obiter loves a heart-warming story. A local piece about a hero or fete or hero at a fete that just puts a smile on your face.

But sometimes, that’s not news folks. Sometimes, news be dark.

Third-year Arts/Law student Tyson de Shaw (21) was already having a tough semester. Taking on an unbeaten four subjects at once, Tyson had been struggling to balance the demands of assessment and his job at City Beach, where shifts were coming in twos, threes, and even fours each month.

Tyson was not in the headspace to take another blow. And then it arrived.

Over the course of this semester, academic records leaked to The Obiter reveal, Tyson has lost no less than five grandmothers.

Many of us will only ever lose, at most, two grandmothers in our lives, or one if we’re lucky. But Tyson has experienced the worst loss imaginable to a person multiplied by 2.5. Losing five grandmothers in one semester is a pain to be unbearable to comprehend.

And the worst part? All five deaths coincided with the major assessment peaks of semester. Yep, you read that right. What did Tyson do in a past life to deserve this fate? Engineer a genocide? Plan 9/11? Write for Brooklyn Nine-Nine?

During the mid-semester break, when most students were ploughing through essays, Tyson was forced to ask for two extensions when the first two grandmamas ate shit in regards to living.

Then, after attending both funerals at Event Cinemas, Tyson attempted to rebuild his life and get his study back on track in time for exams. No can do, said Madame Fate.

Week 13 rolled around and Tyson was slapped across the dick a second time by reality: three more grandmothers had been cordially invited to stop being alive. Hell hath opened up and swallowed our Tyson, for it is where he now resides.

Thankfully, UQ were able to grant Tyson extensions for his assessment; a measly silver lining to an otherwise grandma-less existence.

The only person hurting more than Tyson is his Grandpa Brigham, who lost five wives. The family are reportedly leaning on their Mormon faith more than ever throughout this hard time.

More to come (both grandmothers, and news).

Report: 3-Day Bender Tastes Better Than Skinny Feels

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, or so goes the notorious saying by Nobel Prize winning physicist, Kate Moss. However, in a surprising turn of events, a team of UQ researchers with clearly nothing better to do have just released a study that has scientifically disproved this statement.

We don’t know how you can ‘scientifically’ disprove some bizarre motto which was meant to encourage people to feel guilty about every food choice they’ve made, but go off sis.

‘So yeah turns out vodka, especially of the lukewarm kind, tastes a lot better than a six pack. I once licked my mate’s stomach and honestly it was kind of fucking gross,’ a representative of the research team announced.

Thank god for that, because at 68 calories per shot, it fucking better. And we’ve got to ask, who at Smirnoff decided to make it 68 calories? Because 69 calories would have just been so objectively funny.

The researchers continued in their pretty hungover announcement. ‘And across the course of a 3-day bender, a long weekend of stone-cold murdering brain cells, there were moments when we all fell a hell of a lot better than skinny feels.’

However, the researchers conveniently ignored the results of their Tuesday morning commute to work after their bender, where they felt so depressed and so lacking in serotonin that they honestly began to consider listening to Joe Rogan through their AirPods.

Regardless of Moss’ bold attempts to convince people that skinny feels good, this brave pack of researchers have conclusively shown that brain-altering chemicals that make you feel better tend to, in a twist that’s surprised no-one, make you feel better.

So drink that next vodka cranberry, and follow it down with a side of another vodka soda. You’ve earned it, Australia. Particularly you, Mr Scott Morrison (we know you’re reading this).

No more to come.

BREAKING NEWS: The JUGGLER’S Come Out At BROOKY

In a shock turn of events, a 2000 NRL match at Brookvale Oval between the Northern Eagles and the Brisbane Broncos has been rudely interrupted by the appearance of a juggling clown recovering his own chip and passing to a gleeful Daniel Gartner to slide under the black dot.

Local magician Andrew King, who close friends say “should be put in a circus” has been revealed as the culprit.

Onlookers were disappointed by the field invasion, as they came to watch a rugby league match, not a bloody magic show.

Police investigators say they had run out of leads to determine who had committed the crime when a young up and coming detective by the name of Ray Warren declared, “WHAT ABOUT ANDREW KING?”

Great work, Rabs. Thank you for your service.

More to come on this brilliant concept.

UQ Law Awards Give ‘Best Original Score’ To Bag Of Coke First-Year Lecturer Scored For The Night

The UQ Law Awards are a hallowed event in Australia’s society calendar, celebrating the greatest achievements in art, culture, and indeed, law. With the big players of the TC Beirne School of Law donning their tuxedos and evening gowns, the red carpet is littered with nervous grins and uncertain energy.

Who would take out Best Actor? Would it be Jason Chin, who reportedly spent years in Canada to hone his craft in readiness for the role of ‘creepy tutor’?

Would it be Rick Bigwood, who had to adapt his native Jamaican accent to a New Zealand one when asked to play ‘Bald Kiwi,’ in ‘Contracts 2,’ the less well-received sequel to ‘Contracts 1’?

Or would it be Andreas Schloenhardt, who will be leaving the faculty at the end of the year to play Moby in a film about Natalie Portman.

But as the night grew on, and the tension grew even more palpable, one winner soon became immediately obvious.

It looked like the ‘Best Original Score’ category would barely be competitive, as an incredible score of two bags of coke for the night was immediately reaping dividends. It wasn’t immediately clear who had scored the bags, but suspicions fell upon a few very talkative first-year lecturers.

Best Original Score has historically been awarded to scores that get your heart rate rising, make the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end, and dilate your pupils. With this framework in mind, it seems the illicit cocaine scored from a dealer in West End who you have to stay and chat to, is an absolute shoo-in.

As if an evening of law awards and serious academic discussion could be made more interesting, the presence of the two small black ziploc bags really amped things up, and became the obvious leader for the prestigious ‘Best Original Score.’

Few could begrudge it when the award was announced, and as the triumphant award music played, a presently-unknown lecturer charged on stage with reckless abandon to begin a thank-you speech that was described as ‘surprisingly tender,’ ‘compassionate,’ and ‘can we get in on this?’

The other nominees for Best Original Score smiled on the outside, but clearly they felt pretty defeated. Russell Hinchy had gone to all the effort to score two lukewarm Furphys for the night, only to find out it was an open bar! And poor Mark Burdon went to all the effort to score a better job at QUT, and still didn’t win Best Original Score!

More to come from our boots-on-the-ground reporters at the UQ Law Awards. If it happens, you’ll hear it first from us.

Take Home Exam Looks Suspiciously Like An Assignment

‘That’s odd,’ said UQ law students across TCB this week as they opened PDFs of their various take home exams.

‘I could swear this looks just like an assignment. Weird!’

The confusion was reportedly unanimous. Warnings about sneaky, 2500-word assignments masquerading as cute little baby take home exams have been circulated across the university for week.

These imposters, The Obiter has learned, make outrageously false claims such as ‘you will not need to perform extensive research’ or ‘you will not require the full 7 days to complete this task.’

‘Students need to be very careful,’ warned Bodger the Seat Detective, working outside of his jurisdiction for this particularly pressing case.

‘You might think you’ve opened up your laptop and met a cool, chill take home, when in reality you are walking into the trap of a task requiring more work than an assignment you’d usually be given three weeks to complete.

The Obiter has gathered a series of tips from investigators to assist identifying assignments:

• Two separate questions requiring word counts that would usually warrant one whole assignment: don’t move – that’s an assignment.

• An essay question centred around an area of the course that has legit 3-4 slides dedicated to it: don’t move – that’s an assignment.

• Crying into a cold cup of tea at 3am listening to the Endgame soundtrack over a task that is supposedly meant to mirror a 90-minute display of knowledge in a group setting: don’t move – that’s definitely an assignment.

At press time, only the Asian Legal Systems take home has been accurately identified as an actual take home exam.

More to come.

Labor Unveil Plan To Win Back Queensland Voters With #StopAdani Interpretive Dance At The Powerhouse

With an eye on reconnecting with Queensland voters following Saturday’s disastrous election loss in which the party was swept away across much of the state, the Australian Labor Party National Executive have unveiled today a powerful new plan to design, cast and direct a bold and provocative avant-garde anti-Adani interpretive dance performance to play at Powerhouse in New Farm for three exclusive nights this June.

The dance performance, featuring a troupe of silent, malnourished ballet dancers contorting themselves under harsh red lights to represent Earth’s apocalyptic post-global warming future, will seek to re-connect with Queensland voters and their progressive political concerns.

A special guest appearance by popular political commentator and Young Australian Muslim of the Year, Yassmin Abdel-Magied, will highlight Labor’s renewed commitment to the heartland and understanding Queensland voters.

In an exclusive for The Obiter, National Secretary Noah Carroll discussed the plan with us.

‘We’re hoping to make up the ground we lost with Queensland voters this election, in which we won just one seat between the Brisbane River and Cape York, by introducing them to brave, experimental art that will force them to critically reflect on their fucking stupid dumb-cunt vote on the weekend. God, I fucking hate the general public.’

Tickets will start at $450 per night, and the show will be marketed towards the close-minded, backwards and parochial Queenslanders that voted against their own direct interests on Saturday.

Labor have not yet confirmed whether Greens Councillor Jono Sri will appear in a show of left wing unity to deliver a spoken word poem in that fucking scarf he always wears.

More to come.