Obiter Writers Finally Break Silence On Hong Kong Protests: 'We Still Don't Know Where Hong Kong Is'

Amidst the storms of controversy over the Hong Kong protests on the UQ campus, media outlets have been tripping over themselves to find a scorching hot take on the simple story of a group of students protesting an oppressive regime. 

Local ruffian, rascal, and Mandela-esque figure, Drew Pavlou, has even found himself invited into the welcoming arms of Andrew Bolt, and the less welcoming arms of Tony Jones, as media organisations wake up to the fact that, wow, the influence of the Chinese government is actually ‘news.’

However, one organisation has bravely stood out from the pack. One gutsy team of writers, in a move reminiscent of the bravery displayed by the journalists in Spotlight, have decided to refrain from commenting until they have all the facts.

That team is The Obiter.

The radio silence from The Obiter, however, will today be broken. The fact that one of our own had a violent encounter with pro-CCP activist, Shane Webcke, at the protest, and we still remained silent, is nothing short of heinous.

But today, we’ll break that silence. By admitting we still don’t know where Hong Kong is.

We’ve genuinely been trying so hard, we’ve downloaded lots of different maps, and an unnamed sex addict (and crucial team member) even went to the effort of buying us a globe so we could finally crack the case. But to no avail. 

We’re really struggling to formulate a joke or opinion on this issue in any meaningful way, given the core task of knowing where it is has yet to be achieved. At best, we know that ‘Hong Kong’ is two words that rhyme, and beyond that, we’re flying blind (except for the fact that Peter Hoj clearly has issues because he copped it at primary school for his deranged last name).

Help us out if you can, by sharing any knowledge you may have on the Hong Kong situation. Otherwise, go on with your day, safe in the knowledge that our knowledge is simply pathetic.

No more to come.

"Muscle is Heavier Than Fat” Reasons Big Fat Guy

Johnny Utah (24) is no stranger to questions about his weight.

The seventeen stone Business dropout has faced criticism regarding his size from age fifteen; sources tell The Obiter that his frustrated younger cousins, upon being thrown into the pool by their much older and larger relative, would level a number of fat-shaming insults at the young man including, but not limited to, “plugger”, “lard-ass”, and perhaps most offensively, “Free Willy”.

But according to Mr Utah, science is on his side.

“Muscle is heavier than fat brah” he says.

“Some people just can’t respect the bulk – piss-weak cousins included”

While Mr Utah has a measured body fat percentage of 34%, he holds that “it’s not that simple”, and that the technology used to measure the statistic is “barsh” (sic).

The Obiter is investigating the validity of Mr Utah’s claims.

Man-Child Orders Mocha

Fifth year Arts/Law student Harry Hughes has controversially decided on a mocha for his hot beverage this morning, apparently unaware that he is an adult.

The 22 year old CHVRCHES fan is alleged to have attended the On A Roll bakery at 8:32am this morning, where he ordered the hybrid drink with a brazen disregard for basic human decency.

The move has sparked backlash from a variety of advocacy groups including Amnesty International and Moms Against Mochas (MOM), who have accused Hughes of being a shit cunt.

Donna Mitchell, a leading researcher in the emerging field of beverage-indicated psychopathy, described Hughes’ actions as “reckless” and “really lame”.

In a prepared statement, Mitchell summarised the prevailing opinion among her peers in the field:

“What we basically have here, and this is proven easily by just a quick glance at the raw data and modelling projections, is an act of pure fuckery.

From our research, we can see that people who order coffee almost invariably attempt to accomplish something that day; success may not be guaranteed, but it is at least attempted. On the other hand, those who purchase hot chocolates, and again, our data supports this, are embracing their inner child and enjoying life in all its sweetness.

But cunts that order mochas are flat out just indecisive fuckwits who will never achieve anything or be loved by anyone. And our data supports that.”

Simply stunning research.

More to come.

Local Man Takes ‘Next Step,' Tags Girl from Friday’s in Shit Dog Meme

Whatever you do, don’t listen to Rex Orange County: lovin ain’t easy, as Jack Powell (21) has learned over the last few days.

The fourth year Science/Commerce student has been walking the tightrope of courtship following a short kiss with Kate Hill (20) at Friday’s on Saturday night. Powell, indelibly struck by his riverside enchantress, has decided that the slim chance of more sweet hookies in the future is worth the absolute torture of crafting a next-day message.

Unfortunately for Powell, his charm has faltered without the assistance of 10 black rats and the dulcet tones of Duke Dumont. Miraculously though, his incredibly unimaginative text of “how’d you pull up? haha” was met with a prompt and reasonably enthusiastic answer of “poorly haha hbu?”.

Buoyed by this response, Powell has decided to commence Phase 2 of his Relationship Development Plan by tagging Ms Hill in every shit meme about dogs that he can find.

Whether it’s a photo of a dog stung by a bee or a fucking shit joke about “puppers”, Ms Hill will he tagged, assured Powell at press time.

“Maybe we’ll get married one day. Maybe she’ll block me on all social media. I don’t know. All I know is that I’m going to tag her in every post even vaguely related to dogs until one of those things eventuates. Cheers cunts” read Powell in a prepared statement.

Inspiring words. No more to come.

Local Prop Really Hopes None Of The Boys Just Saw Him Slip The Chapstick Into His Pocket

The cold weather has sent a stern message that it doesn’t care how many pick and drives you can do in 80 minutes, it’s coming to crack your lips. This lesson was learnt the hard way by third grade prop Rory ‘Rhino’ Young. While the backline can get away with hair gel and an iconic red tube of Paw Paw ointment in their kit bags, the big boys up front are not so lucky. 

‘I need feminism because I’m sick of tasting blood all winter’ said the 110kg front rower.

‘At a generous best I can get away with Vaseline, but the sooner toxic masculinity is eradicated from society the sooner I can be up front with the team about my love of strawberry lip balm’

The closet moisturiser explained his intricate and covert reapplication routine to The Obiter.

‘It begins straight after the game when some of the boys go out for a dart, I hide the Chapstick in my lighter hand and pretend to be turning away from the wind, so they don’t see me giving my lips sweet relief.’

It appears that the Rhino is not the only member of the forward pack hiding this dirty little secret. An Obiter investigation uncovered that over the course of the season second rower Liam ‘Duggo’ Duggan has smuggled his Nivea Hydro Care tube internally in order to avoid detection by the rest of the team. Duggo admits that putting a small tube up his bum is radical but argues that it is necessary to avoid accusations that he enjoys sticking other things up his bum if it were discovered he took care of his skin.

‘I had a bit of a close call in the showers once, Rhino came in and we both had our lip balms in hand. The fear in both of our eyes confirmed that we would never speak of it again. We can only hope for a utopia where a man can smash a tinnie on his forehead, turn around and put Sorbolene on his hands. In the meantime, I’ll stick to bum smuggling’

It is regrettable that the idea of a little bit of self-care could undo years of work building a reputation as a hardened piss cutter.  

Hopefully for their sake no more to come.

Local Coward Jogs Across Road to Evade Car 100 Metres Away

Halsey fan and renowned idiot Emily Cooper has today displayed extraordinary cowardice by working up to a completely unnecessary jog to cross an almost barren street.

The third year Economics student claims that she apparently could not bear the risk of being run over by that tiny little speck in the distance, the fucking idiot.

While Ms Cooper claims that the car was “just a little bit down the road”, eyewitness testimony asserts that the vehicle in question was “at least a block away, if not more.” CCTV footage from the incident was inconclusive, but there did not appear to be any vehicles in the immediate vicinity of Ms Cooper.

Confronted by this evidence at press time, Ms Cooper grew flustered and eventually violent, brandishing a katana while labelling the media in attendance “the real enemy”. While shocked by Cooper’s ability to not act like a complete fucking gimp for once, police moved quickly to take the 21 year old into custody.

While Cooper may be a gutless wonder when it comes to simple tasks like crossing a road without panicking, you have to admire the willingness to murder when confronted by her cowardice.

More to come.

Local Girl Lets 2:30am Saturday Morning Facebook Call Through To The Keeper

‘Yep this is going straight to Gillie’, thinks 21-Year-Old Marketing Student Lucy Jacobs as her phone lit up to a messenger audio call. The attempted contact was very clear in its purpose, but the idea of a kebab and Uber home was far more appealing to Ms Jacobs than the advances of a very drunk acquaintance.

Ms Jacobs was not particularly surprised that Charlie Bicker was attempting to make contact after having a fairly good rapport throughout the semester, aided by their work on a group assignment together. However, she decided that an unsolicited drunken phone conversation and inevitable request to come to The Foundry wasn’t as appealing as he probably thought it was.  

Mr Bicker was unphased by the fact that he did not know Lucy’s phone number to call or text, which is a far more intimate and justifiable tactic post-midnight. He was determined to seek crumb harder than Hansel and Gretel after being abandoned in the woods by their neglectful parents.

After hanging up from his third attempt to reach Ms Jacobs, Facebook prompted Charlie to rate the quality of his call. ‘Pretty piss poor wasn’t it? She didn’t even pick up’, he mumbled as he tried to tap 1 star.

He did not remain disparaged for long however, after leaving a string of unanswered messages in both written and audio form, the stud sweetened the deal by sending a wave.

‘Her phone must be charging behind the bar or something’, he thoughts as he caught his smug reflection in the screen of his iPhone 6S.

‘The best part is, we can both completely ignore this in the morning’ the pair thought simultaneously from their respective ends of Brunswick Street.

Undoubtedly more calls to come.

Man Who Spent Three Hours of His Day Watching Cooking Tutorials Microwaves His Fourth Consecutive Serve of Mi Goreng

3rd Year Arts/Law student and Greta Van Fleet fan Morgan Webster today shocked absolutely no-one by consuming an extraordinary mass of instant noodles, despite his rapid culinary education through a variety of YouTube channels.

Webster, who dubiously expresses his GPA of 5.12 to his father as “around 6”, has acquired an incredible amount of culinary knowledge over the last few months. A classmate of Webster’s, who wished to remain anonymous, claims they once witnessed him shaking his head and muttering obscenities while watching an amateur chef overcook risotto during a Criminal Procedure lecture.

However, despite his gastronomical intellect, Webster is unwavering in his commitment to never, ever, put his skills into practice.

For example, while Webster has an in depth understanding of the biochemical interactions that produce allicin in crushed garlic, he has never entertained the thought of actually using the ingredient.

“Yeah I guess I never really thought about it,” remarked Webster at press time, slurping noodles into his big fat mouth. “Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen garlic”.

It seems that Webster will never capitalise on the many hours he has spent watching Brad Leone ferment shit in place of doing, I don’t know, something even vaguely productive. Rather, he will continue to devour plate upon plate of bland, microwave-based gruel, sinking deeper and faster into his carbohydrate purgatory.

Good luck Morgan, and God speed.

Local Man Knows That Russia And China Are Probably Doing Some Crook Shit But Not Really Sure What

Jack Bronson (23), a Kayo subscriber, Commerce student, and a man who has a Brooklyn Nine-Nine quote in his Instagram bio, has confessed to his mates today that whilst he’s aware there’s something a bit off, something a bit ‘how you going’ with those Ruskies and those Chinese (no we’re not giving them a nickname), he has absolutely no idea what’s going on.

Over a few Heinekens (they were on special, back off), the conversation between Jack and his friends weaved between the Brisbane Lions, the Australian cricket team, and whether or not to raise Newstart so that people aren’t living in abject poverty because we have a sickeningly self-centred approach to taxation and welfare, before finally settling on what every fella loves to unpack over a cold one (or even two).

International geopolitics.

In a rare moment of raw honesty from a man who knows how to lie a lie better than he knows how to tie a tie, Jack laid his cards on the table.

But after that hand of poker was done, Jack laid his metaphorical cards on the table by letting the lads know that whilst he is unshakeably confident that there’s something pretty crook happening with the Russian government and the Chinese government, he has truly no idea of the details.

‘It’s something about surveillance, right?’ he spitballed, with that conversational first-serve limply sailing into the net of mediocrity as he received nothing but shrugs from his mates.

‘Or like, the gays? I know they don’t have it easy. In either place. Or just one?’

Jack continued as the shrugs grew greater, before deciding it was easier to just say ‘fuck it’ and write a note reminding himself to get a subscription to The Economist. As world affairs unfold around this archetypal young Australian, expect him to be pretty aware of what’s happening in a broad sense, but if you expect him to fill in any details, you’ll come up more empty-handed than his bank account after a weekend at the ‘races’ (of which 80% of his time was suspiciously spent in the bathrooms).

Plenty more to come, loving this guy.

Brave Med Student Tearfully Confesses How Hard She Works To Everyone In Earshot

In a raw, honest confession that has sent shockwaves in the immediate vicinity of Merlo’s at 9.30am this morning, a local med student has taken unprecedented steps in the realm of courage and bravery by describing loudly just ‘how hard it is.’

Sara McKenzie (23), a budding endocrinologist and self-described ‘fangirl’ of BoJack Horseman, is not normally known to be so brutally honest. In fact, as she always tells her friends after what has to be at most like, three wines, she ‘keeps it really bottled up, you guys.’

But this gutsy little trooper with a Medal of Honour in ‘not complaining’ can’t hold it in any longer. Sipping on a flat white, and contemplating a studious day ahead, something in Sara’s mind simply snapped.

Suddenly, a Doctor of Medicine was not merely a degree. It was not merely a set of courses and rotations that would give one the requisite skills and knowledge to practice medicine.

This humble degree became, at least in the words of Sara, a titan more frightening than a Mitchell Johnson thunderbolt at 150km/hr, and more difficult to resolve than the racial tensions at the heart of this great southern land.

This humble degree was now ‘fucking unbearable,’ ‘impossible,’ and ‘so much harder than anything else you guys study, no offence.’

Whilst her pained confession was ostensibly only intended for the ears of immediate friends, the loud statements travelled to neighbouring tables, until the entire establishment was placed in a position of simply having to listen to the trials and tribulations of one woman going through something that thousands have done before.

Truly unbelievable scenes. But at the end of the day, fair enough. How easy is Arts, am I right?

No more to come on this definitely not bitter, cynical joke.