Facebook Update Derails Local Girl's Ability To Bitch Behind Best Friend’s Back In Real Time

Backstabbing faces critical endangerment thanks to the controversial new Messenger feature, with young women across the Meta set to no longer be able to covertly capture every latest bit of tea in their friendship circle.

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Hellbent on getting back at all those mean girls who wouldn’t sleep with him in college, the Zuck has introduced an alarming new messenger feature: notifications when screenshots are taken.

Local girl, Maeve (21) already knows this will ruin her life.

Gone are her days of screenshotting every passive aggressive message she receives from her uni group and flicking it to her friends with a quick “can you believe this bitch?”

Maeve also now fears that she will never find love.

‘How the fuck am I supposed to know if someone is my one true love if the group chat can’t dissect his messages as team?’ she wondered.

Between tears she assured one of our reporters that ‘organic conversation’ and ‘independent thinking’ are for boomer losers who don’t have heaps of friends to help them navigate every confusing messenger conversation they encounter.

Believing she still had time before the update was put into effect, Maeve got to work. She documented all of the evidence she could possibly need to start a fight on a rainy day or defend herself against salacious accusations. Like any meticulous record keeper, she stored that evidence sporadically in her 4000 photo camera roll that badly needed an iCloud storage update.

Unfortunately for Maeve, each screenshot triggered a notification.

It has since been reported that she’s moved to a deserted island.

No more to come.

Second Year Law Student Convinced He Can Talk Himself Out of Getting Kicked Out of Friday's

‘This is a miscarriage of justice, bro! I have rights!’ Tom Olsen (19) declared to an unimpressed 6'3, 127kg, bearded seccy, who continued to gnaw relentlessly on his fifth piece of chewing gum for the evening.

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Shocking news coming out of Eagle Street this evening, with local ex-GPS law student, Tom Olsen, attempting, unsuccessfully, to Harvey Spector his way out of being shown the door at Friday’s.

‘It’s just fucked, you know, I bet he doesn’t even know the law,’ a disgruntled Olso grumbled to us as he made his way to GyG, earnestly puzzled at why the Friday’s burly bouncer didn’t seem interested in the fact that he got a 6 in Contracts A.

It appears Tom’s evening had gone from bad to worse, with the elite mixed netballer reportedly having spotted his ex happily enjoying an Aperol Spritz just hours prior.

This is no doubt what sparked a series of events which culminated in Olso being advised by the frightfully enormous seccy that his night was over.

‘You’re done, sorry mate,’ the big boy told Tommo grimly, gently massaging his shoulder, moments after spotting him trying to punch on with no one in particular after they ‘looked at [him] funny’.

After a noble attempt at persuasion, which involved quoting the Magna Carta and multiple references to the civil rights movement, Tom’s night was indeed over.

More valiant attempts at saving the evening to come.

'If You Count The Seconds Since The Flash You Can Tell How Far Away The Lightning Is,' Announces Office Nerd

‘Each second is equivalent to one kilometre so it’s a rather simple calculation,’ chirped a smug Quinton Cook (32), barely containing his excitement at the cumulonimbi that La Nina had presented him this evening.

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Trapped inside as the clock struck 5, the Queen Street office was filled with a defeated realisation. It was a sure bet to those at WAP Inc. that Head of Information Technology, Quinton Cook, would seek to impart his cub scout knowledge onto the rest of the office - as he had done every other stormy Brisbane evening that year.

‘It’s pissing down, isn’t it?’ accountant Rob Lanning exclaimed, hopping to delay Quinton’s unwanted lecture for at least another minute.

But it was no use.

“If you look at the flash then count the seconds you can calculate how many kilometres away the lightening struck.” The office instinctively turned around.

On queue, it was Quinton, standing at the back window, overlooking nature’s fury. Calm. Collected. Calculating. “Each second is equivalent to one kilometre so it is a rather simple calculation.”

A deafening silence filled the office. Quinton had once again emerged victorious.

One by one, a captivated IT department joined their all-mighty leader Quinton at the back of the office, each of them shadowing him in his quest to triangulate each lightening strike.

More factoids to come.

Russia To Cheer Themselves Up Over Medvedev Defeat By Invading Neighbouring Sovereign State

‘That’ll show them,’ spat a sour Daniil Medvedev (25, Russian Tennis Player, Not the 2022 Australian Open Grand Slam Men’s Singles Champion, Flog).

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Historic scenes in Melbourne last night, with Rafael Nadal taking home a record 21st men’s Grand Slam title, defeating archetypal Russian villain, Daniil Medvedev, in five sets.

While an unquenchable thirst for power and influence was enough of a reason for Putin to invade his eastern european neighbour, his sulky teenager top athlete being beaten by a champion Spaniards has certainly pushed him over the edge, quite literally.

‘That’ll show them,’ spat a sour Daniil Medvedev (25, Russian Tennis Player, Not the 2022 Australian Open Grand Slam Men’s Singles Champion, Flog) when one of our reporters advised him of this news.

The angry Russian then proceeded to tell our correspondent that he was a ‘little cat’ who should ‘look at [him] when [he] talks to him!’. Nice fella.

No more to come.

'HAHAHAHAHAAHHA I LITERALLY CAN'T BREATHE,' Messages Completely Straight-Faced Girl

‘Yeah, nah, I didn’t actually find what he said that funny,’ a candid Laura Small (19) divulged to The Obiter.

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In breaking news, a young woman has just mastered the art of telling a porky-pie over text. Laura Small (19, but with the maturity of a 20-year-old) was texting her boyfriend, Josh Long (19), when she decided sending a series of “haha’s” was way easier than just dumping the man for being seriously unfunny.

She even chucked in some sideways laughing face emojis for authenticity.

‘Yeah, nah, I didn’t actually find what he said that funny,’ Laura admitted.

But the facade clearly worked, with Josh’s ego increasing by at least three. Among other lies, including, “I’m fine,” “I have work in the morning,” and, “how good is sex,” the “haha’s” have become a fan favourite among the youth of today.

Recent data has revealed some even add a “b” to the start to really jazz it up. ‘I’m telling you, a BAHAHA is a real winner with the ladies,’ a simp told The Obiter.

Facebook’s Anti-Bullshit Team is considering inserting a “lie-detector” feature on Messenger, alongside the controversial “read” feature. With the team only just commencing discussions now, the lie-detector will likely not be added until late 2023.

The kids’ lies are safe for now.

More laughs to come... or not.

Beyond Blue Poster Alerts Man Who Wasn’t Anxious Until Now That He Did In Fact Forget To Lock The Door

‘Ah, shit,’ grumbled Luke Burns (21) to himself, as he came to this dreaded realisation drying his hands in the bathroom just outside the food court.

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Beyond blue for years has been providing uni students with some mesmerising toilet-time entertainment. 

Its most recent campaign, ‘did I lock the door’ resonates especially well with students who grew up with an overbearing helicopter parent. 

Taking the viewer through a simple 23-step BuzzFeed style quiz, The Obiter can confirm the campaign’s effectiveness, with an alarming amount of students coming to the nerve-racking conclusion that in fact they didn’t lock their door and their family does in fact now hate them.

What once was a stress-releasing time of the morning, has now turned into a whack-in-the-fucking-face reminder that this student is a forgetful dumbass.

Sources have revealed that the campaign for next month is already underway to help students discern: ‘Do you feel like there is someone watching you?’ and ‘Did no one really smell that silent-but-deadly?’ 

Don’t forget to lock the door.

'Nah, Got Nothing': Bunnings Advertising Team Fires Blanks At Brainstorming Session, Again

‘If it ain’t broke, I guess,’ sighed Jeff Bunnings, CEO at Bunnings Warehouse, after his team of six-figure advertising execs emerged from a marathon three-hour long creative conference with absolutely no new ideas.

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‘Oh, I’ve got it, I’ve got it!’ declared an excited Scott, Team Member, picking up the phone to call the Head of Advertising, Jim Bunnings, son of John Bunnings.

‘Jim, Jim, I’ve got a new idea for an ad we could do on the tele!’

No reply came from the other end of phone.

‘Jim, Jimbo, you there mate?’.

Still nothing.

‘Hi, this is Jim. Sorry, I’m not in the office right now, and haven’t been since about 2007. Please leave a message. Thanks. Bye.’

Ah, that explains a fair bit.

More of the same annoyingly catchy jingles to come.

Local Chippy Snarls At Bloke Modelling 'Tradie' Underwear Who's Just Clearly Not a Tradie

“Oh, have a go, mate,” spat Johnno Brooks (32), employee at Johnno & Sons Builders, as he watched another white-collar smart alec try to pass off as a genuine member of the high-vis brigade.

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Chippy Johnno Brooks (23), employee of Johnno & Sons Builders and son of Johnno Brooks (50), says his recent discovery at his local Jetts Fitness was “unnerving” and “rattled [him] to the core”.

It was as a mid-20s man stretched out on the bench press that his Chicago Bulls jersey lifted to reveal, to Johnno’s upset, a suspiciously sculpted lower core but, more alarmingly, the elastic band of the man’s fluoro yellow Tradie briefs. 

Johnno’s long-time friend, and QUT accounting major identified “that wanker” as a UQ journalism student. We are yet to track down the man, but the damage has been done — Johnno cannot believe those outside his professional circle would lay claim to underwear clearly not built for them. 

“The fact that these non-tradie dickheads would parade around is outrageous and misleading,” he said. “It’s fraud! Blatant, daylight fraud! You don’t see me hitting the Valley in Jockey undies, do ya?” 

No more to come.

‘I’m Watching Euphoria For The Storyline,’ Says Man Who First Saw It On PornHub Compilation

A local man has spent quite a bit of time on Binge lately, closely following the trials and tribulations of American students as shown on the hit HBO drama ‘Euphoria.’ And as he’ll say to anyone who will listen, he’s only watching it for the storyline.

‘Yep, that’s the big appeal for me. No other reason. I got into Euphoria during S2 just because it seemed like such an engrossing drama,’ said Nigel Stiffson (24), a late-blooming Commerce student who typically enjoys such highbrow intellectual fare as Jackass, and Jackass 2.

‘The show features just so many powerful performances. From Sydney Sweeney to, um, Syd- Syd- Zendaya. She’s in it, too!’

Unfortunately, Nigel’s story seems to have as many gaping holes as an episode of Euphoria. It’s become increasingly clear to those around him that he first discovered the show as a result of a PornHub compilation.

‘Yeah, he went from saying it was a shitty show for teen girls to texting me constantly asking to rank the characters,’ said a beleaguered friend of Nigel’s, who asked not to be named.

The show, which has drawn attention for its fairly frank portrayals of sexuality and explicit drug use, has also garnered some attention on pornography websites, for its fairly frank portrayals of sexuality.

‘Nah, I’m not into that shit. Why would I watch porn when I could just catch up on two minutes of Euphoria?’ reported Nigel, giving himself up a bit.

At press time, the ex-Nudgee College student didn’t even realize that the drama nerd he used to give a bit of shit to in the corridors was in the show.

He was distracted.

No more to come (resisting the urge for a very silly joke here).

Weak As Piss? 17-Year-Old Asks Big Sister For Seltzers Instead Of 1L Smirnoff Vodka

A local big sister has been rocked to her absolute core today as her Year 11 younger sibling has requested a four pack of White Claws for the upcoming party.

Brattlee Stevens (17) is keen to attend her third-ever boys and girls party of Year 11, only a few short weeks into the school year. And she’s deeply reluctant to attend without some form of social lubrication.

But whilst in the past, teens everywhere used to absolutely cook their brain cells with vodka, and goon before that, the modern teenager is rather more discerning.

If Mummy is going to dish up fresh sushi every afternoon after clarinet and water polo practice at Brisbane School of Grammar for Girls, then it would be a heinous crime to poison this temple with anything less than the absolute finest.

With a careful eye, Brattlee perused the Instagrams of various social media influencers, noting the drinks clutched in their hands, along with their devastatingly gorgeous tans. And after discussing with her friends at school, Brattlee concluded that lime seltzers were the way to go.

Descendants of the famed ‘skinny bitch’ array of vodka-and-soda based drinks, seltzers are a flagging trend among a twenty-something population keen to forget the last two years again. But among the kids of today, they are becoming an ever-more popular way of enjoying social occasions without creating lasting regrets.

Cowardly, we call it.

If you can’t sneak out and drench yourself in the worst liquor your least-responsible sibling could get their hands on, then why are you even here?

No more to come.