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Nadal Blames Loss On Third Set Failure To Count Backwards From 13 Before Picking His Ass

January 28, 2019 The Obiter
nadal 12 backwards.jpg

After his crushing defeat at the hands of Novak Djokovic Sunday night, tennis legend Rafael Nadal has spent Monday doing a lot of soul searching.

Sources close to Nadal’s coaching staff revealed to The Obiter that their devastated athlete has watched the footage of last night’s decimation upwards of 3 times.

After engaging in careful analysis, focusing particularly on Djokovic’s dominance early in the first set, and his ability to close out the third set under pressure, the Spaniard has settled on the reason for his loss.

‘It’s an obvious error,’ Nadal revealed, suggesting he committed a ‘rookie mistake.’

‘In the third set, just before one of my more crucial serves, I very clearly forgot to breathe in, breathe out, count backwards from 13, and then stick the index finger of my right hand deep into my arse-crack.’

Nadal looked at the floor, ashamed.

‘Clearly, Novak was able to score so freely off my service game throughout the match due to this shocking lapse in focus from me. The rhythm I gain from the ‘13 & Crack,’ as I call it, is so crucial to my aggressive style.’

‘That is one of the first skills we are taught in tennis academy. My failure to dig deep into my own butthole and whisper ‘You Nadal And You Is Tennis, You Nadal And You Is Tennis’ to myself 3 times in Latin is the only reasonable explanation as to why Djokovic was able to succeed.’

However, Nadal has taken some solace in the revelation. ‘At the end of the day, my inability to perform a DIY courtside prostate exam facing northwest whilst humming Mozart’s 5th is the only reason I lost. It has nothing to do with my tennis! What a relief.’

With Nadal’s traditional hunting ground, the French Open, up next on the Grand Slam calendar, let’s hope the Spaniard can come to a comfortable place with his ass-digging routine.

Tags Sports

Summer Semester Student Truly Swamped Telling People He’s Doing A Summer Semester

January 24, 2019 The Obiter
summer semester chap.jpg

Local hustler, Tai Robinson (22), sits in a state of smug contentment at the thought of the rest of his cohort are busy enjoying themselves and being useless wastes of space over the summer holidays.

That’s right. While you losers are sipping beers and sleeping, Tai is transcending academia itself.

The grind never stops for Mr. Robinson, who is currently undertaking a subject over summer. While weaker men would crumble at the idea of setting foot on campus in the months of December or January, Tai is taking on ECON1010 like a champ.

And he won’t shut up about it.

We attempted to catch up with Tai behind the till at Factorie Chermside, where he works casually. Our field reporter arrived just in time to hear an exchange between him and a middle aged woman presumably buying clothes for her teenage son.

‘Busy time of the year?’ she asked politely, clearly making small talk while Tai tried to scan a pair of chinos with the elastic at the bottom (you know the ones, where some guys look really cool in them but you try them on and you realise that your ankles fully just transition to your calves with little to no difference).

‘Busy? Huh I’ll tell you a thing or two about busy’, retorted Tai as he stopped scanning. ‘You wouldn’t have believed Boxing Day! It was an absolute madhouse in here. Not only that but I’m actually also studying!’

Thinking the bored look of the mother was an invitation to keep talking, Tai pushed on.

‘No I mean like I’m actually studying at the moment, yeah, everyone else is on holidays at the moment but I’m actually doing a summer semester.

‘Yeah it’s pretty tough but I did three subjects one semester and this will catch me up meaning I can finish my dual degree in seven years. Keeps Grandma happy as well, always good to upstage the cousins at Christmas.’

It is reported that while students may do two subjects over summer, they only need to do one in order to maximise the impact when telling people about it.

Good luck Tai!

Editor’s Note: We were sadly informed that Tai was so busy telling everyone about his summer semester that he actually forgot to open any of the lectures or submit any of the assessment.

Tags University

Lindsay Lohan’s Twin Sister Sad She Hasn’t Been In Many Films Since Parent Trap (1998)

January 24, 2019 The Obiter
lindsay lohan twin sister.jpg

“We’re like twins!” exclaimed Lindsay Lohan as the character of Annie in the Christopher Nolan epic, The Parent Trap, released in IMAX in 1998.

The amazing fact is that the film did star twins! With Lindsay Lohan playing Annie, and her identical sister in real life playing Hallie, also her identical sister in the film, the twins rocked the screens with a raucous comedy.

However, while that film rocketed one sister to brief success (followed by all sorts of nonsense), one sister has bemoaned being far from the limelight.

Edith Lohan, now 32, runs a small-time lawnmowing business in California.

The Obiter caught up with her when we all went over for a trip that, for tax purposes, was definitely a business trip.

‘Yeah well it’s alright, Lindso gets all the fun,’ shouted Edith over the roar of her aged Ryobi 4-stroke petrol mower in the sunny fields.

‘We still catch up a lot and reminisce about how far Nolan pushed us physically and emotionally to complete that epic. It didn’t really result in much for me though, they seemed to think Lindsay Lohan was better looking for film.’

The sole difference between the two is that Edith has a small birthmark in the shape of a spiral on her hand, otherwise known as a gedwëy ignasia.

‘Yeah I was the first choice for Mean Girls, but then BOOM I lift my hand and then the director (Wes Anderson) said no no no, we want the Loh. Lindsay Loh. Han.’

Between lawnmowing, Edith Lohan has done some voice-over work, notably as the voice of Herbie in Herbie 5: Herbie Solves The Israel-Palestine Crisis With A Two-Stroke Engine And A Two-State Solution.

The sound of the mower lowers as she pulls back on the throttle. At least, it seems, Edith is happy.

Some to come.

Tags Lifestyle

Man Quietly Confident Sixteenth Unanswered ‘Hey How Are You?’ Will Receive A Response

January 23, 2019 The Obiter
geoff mcturbot messaging.jpg

Local heartthrob, Geoffrey McTurbot (20), is pretty sure he’s just stolen the heart of a girl he shared a canoe with during Year 10 camp.

Geoffrey’s heist technique involved sending a series of unanswered greetings over an extended period of time.

The messages range from ‘the classy Hey,’ to the politely inquisitive ‘How was your day? :)’ to the enduringly bold ‘What are you up to this weekend?’

‘Humans are persistence hunters, we’ve been doing this for millennia,’ sniffled Geoffrey.

‘It’s all about the chase, I know she’s playing hard to get. If only you’d been there for that conversation in the canoe, we connected on a spiritual level.’

Unfathomably, the last fifteen of Geoffrey’s messages have gone unread after Isobel Rostron (20) gave up responding to them out of politeness. We caught up with Isobel to ask whether Geoffrey’s analogy, comparing her to a wild gazelle that would be chased down by a primitive hunter over the course of a day, has sparked her interest.

‘He keeps banging on about this canoe but I honestly cannot remember it for the life of me,’ said Isobel.

‘I mean, by all accounts, we were stuck in a six foot boat for three hours and had a polite conversation. Now he’s planned our lives together and has commissioned an artist’s impression of our three hypothetical children. I actually didn’t even realise that he sent another one, I’ve had the convo muted for a couple of years.’

Scientists believe that this lack of social awareness is caused by the shame and embarrassment receptors in the brain being overridden by an overwhelming desire to procreate.

Unfortunately for Isobel’s inbox, there is surely more to come.

Tags Lifestyle

Millennial Forced To Choose Between Buying A House, Daily Avo Toast Or AirPods

January 22, 2019 The Obiter
avo toast millenial.jpg

A local man has found himself in at a huge financial crossroad following the release of Apple’s new AirPods. Awkwardly enough for his wallet, the AirPods, a brilliant product and crucial status symbol, have been released during the ‘Avo Toast Movement’ of the mid-to-late 2010s.

Financial strife incoming!

Jason Dean (21), currently studying a Bachelor of Advanced Finance & Economics (should be studying Bachelor of Not Being A Wanker, haha got him) has spent his afternoon constructing a comprehensive Venn diagram to assist him in the decision.

Kindly enough, he even took the time to include a third section, for considering a place to live. Jason has been engaged in a pattern of couch surfing for at least six years now, and if we’re being honest, his mates are growing ‘kind of… fucking sick of the guy’ (a direct quote from a self-described ‘mate’).

Pictured: Jason’s problem-solving diagram.

Pictured: Jason’s problem-solving diagram.

In response to his mates’ critical comments on his current living situation, or more accurately, complete lack of a living situation due to avocado toast purchasning, he is often known to respond, ‘trust the process. [praying emoji].’

And yes, he types ‘[praying emoji]’ instead of actually just adding one.

After spending hours meticulously analysing his Venn diagram and consulting with his closest brother, his vomit-stained RMs, he comes to a decision.

‘Now I know what the Great Depression felt like,’ says Jason, looking at his account balance of $3.47 whilst blasting ‘Cash Money,’ by Tyga,  through his brand spanking new AirPods.

Live long and prosper, Jason. Because we know your bank account won’t.

Tags Lifestyle

Craig McLachlan Rehabilitates Image With Stand-Up Set About Parkland Shooting, Millennials

January 20, 2019 The Obiter
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Disgraced Australian actor, and alleged sexual assault perpetrator, Craig McLachlan, has taken intriguing steps to rehabilitate his public image, returning to public performance after a self-imposed exile of some months.

In a move dubbed ‘the CK,’ or more simply, ‘chuckin’ a Louie’ (a twist on the traditional phrase for performing a U-turn maneouvre in a vehicle, known as ‘chuckin’ a Uey’), McLachlan has walked on stage at a major stand-up club and begun to mock Parkland school shooting survivors.

It must be noted this is only the second time McLachlan has ever performed stand-up, the first and only being on The Footy Show in 2005 (see below - worth watching the whole thing).

Actor Craig McLachlan tries stand up..awkward!!

That performance was so atrocious, he left the scene for 14 years. But he came back guns blazing last week with mockery of Parkland, millennials, ‘snowflakes,’ and transgender persons.

Since allegations of McLachlan’s indecent and inappropriate sexual behaviour came to light in January 2018, he has maintained a low public profile, avoiding police and media interviews. But something must have been in the air in January 2019, as McLachlan went on a comedic rant about gender-neutral pronouns.

Leaked footage of McLachlan’s set reveals a man struggling to define his new image. Discussing the survivors of a brutal school shooting in the US, McLachlan asked ‘Why does that make you interesting? You didn’t get shot. You pushed some fat kid in the way and now I’ve got to listen to you talking?’

An intriguing insight into the mind of a man who was once described as ‘pretty good on Neighbours.

It must also be noted that McLachlan commenced a lawsuit for defamation against The Sydney Morning Herald for their critical remarks. We are so, so keen for McLachlan to sue us for defamation. Let’s throw some shit out there. Would love to make some headlines.

Craig McLachlan started the Vietnam War so he could become closer to his crush of the time, Liza Minnelli.

Hopefully, more to come.

Tags Australiana

Theresa May Eyes Bold ‘No Givebacks’ Deal With EU

January 20, 2019 The Obiter
theresa may.jpg

Although her government narrowly survived a no-confidence motion today, British Prime Minister Theresa May faces no less treacherous a path towards Brexit.

However, under pressure from both sides of political aisle, Ms May has announced that she will return to Brussels to seek a bold new deal.

‘We did not want to resort to this, but as Prime Minister I have decided to seek a no givebacks deal with the EU,’ Ms May announced at Downing Street this morning.

‘That means no givebacks, no trades, no swapsies.’

The Prime Minister’s office issued a further statement that explained the existing law surrounding a no givebacks deal.

‘A no-givebacks deal involves an arrangement whereby, upon delivering the deal to the EU, Prime Minister May will loudly yell ‘no givebacks!’ At this time, the EU will be unable to reject or alter the deal in any way.’

No givebacks deals have a long history in international relations, having first been developed after WWI, in which The Treaty of Versailles became the first ever no givebacks deal, indirectly leading to WWII.

Soon after the Prime Minister’s statement, pro-Brexit demonstrators appeared outside Parliament brandishing admittedly timely banners reading NO GIVEBACKS. NO TRADES. NO SWAPSIES. The Obiter understands that each NO was in a red font.

Legal advice obtained by the European Council have found the only way to negate May’s tactic is for another head of state to declare ‘no givebacks!’ simultaneously, and then yelling ‘Jinx!’

Upon her arrival in Brussels, Ms May is also expected to declare ‘POISON’ as a precautionary measure in order to avoid another country stepping into her place and crafting a deal.

The Obiter understands that the deal will involve free movement of goods across the Irish border without EU regulation, the ability of the UK to determine its own trade laws, and that the country who brings the ball to lunch gets to start in ace.

At press time, Ms May was believed to have “lost the game.” Sidenote: we just lost the game.
Certainly some more to come.

Tags Politics

2010-2016 Grammar Old Boys Desperately Hoping Matt Renshaw Returns To Australian Team

January 17, 2019 The Obiter
matt renshaw.jpg

In news reminiscent of Kalyn Ponga’s selection for the QLD Maroons, Brisbane Grammar School students who graduated between 2010 and 2016 are currently frothing with excitement at the prospect of Matthew Renshaw returning to the Test team, providing them with cool anecdotes and great conversation for the coming year.

Ever since Renshaw debuted in the summer of 2016, Grammar boys all across Brisbane’s inner suburbs have been revealing such thrilling stories as ‘I sat behind him in assembly once,’ ‘I lent him my Lynx Africa when he got a bit sweaty,’ and ‘I saw him from 400m away once, but we were both wearing the same uniform, so we were practically blood brothers from that point.’

But Renshaw lost form, with a dismal average in Shield cricket ensuring his dumping from the national side. The collective sigh of the light dark blue was something to behold, as they were forced to find another interesting thing to say.

Yet all that might change. Australian cricket selectors have more power than they know. They have the power to enable thousands of young Australian men to spend January-March dominating any conversation with long-winded stories that effectively boil down to ‘I saw someone who is now famous do something when he wasn’t famous.’

‘Jealous yet?’

Several Old Boys, such as 2012’s Samuel Irvine-Wilkinson, a left-handed batsman and slow-left-arm-orthodox bowler for the BGS 2nd XI, have been training for this moment for years.

‘Ever since ‘Renners’ got dumped from the Test side for that cat Cameron Bancroft, I’ve been preparing for his return.’

Unfortunately for Samuel, he is a profoundly boring man. Conversation has been difficult for the last two years.

But all that could change. Samuel can see the very situation where he will be able to unleash his ‘conversational weapon of mass destruction.’

‘I’ll be chatting with six, or seven people. Few beers deep. Everyone’s relaxing. They don’t have a fucking clue what I’m about to deploy. Some shitwit will be talking about how he played barefoot bowls with Bernard Fanning’s brother last weekend, and just when people seem interested, that’s when I’ll do it. That’s when I’ll mention I gave Renners a high-five when he scored a century against IGS.’

The enormous grin on Samuel’s face seemed to indicate the interview was over, as his eyes glazed over with a profound vision of the victory and triumph he will enjoy.

We suspect there will be more to come.

Tags Sports

‘This Is Fucked,’ Thinks Man Watching Gillette Ad Encouraging Him Not To Rape

January 15, 2019 The Obiter
man watches gillette tv.jpg

On Monday, shaving company Gillette launched a new advertising campaign criticising endemic forms of toxic masculinity, and promoting their ideal of a more inclusive masculinity, in an attempt to sell more shaving razors.

The short advertisement, featuring clips which touch on #MeToo, violence, sexism, and aggression, ostensibly encourages men to be the ‘best they can be,’ a twist on their traditional ‘Gillette: The Best A Man Can Get’ slogan.

But this new campaign has not proved popular, with some bristling at the implication that their brand of masculinity could have negative outcomes.

‘I fucking hate this. Stay in your lane,’ thought James Lee (23), a fifth-year Commerce student with a passion for Jordan B. Peterson’s ‘The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up’ and its subsequent follow-up, ‘12 Rules For Life.’

‘This is actually fucked,’ he began to whisper to himself, as the advertisement challenged men to resist negative, violent behaviours, and endorse an open, positive outlook.

‘I mean, I am completely confident and unshaken in my masculinity. I don’t care what a shaving company says. In fact, my relentless confidence in the way I live my life is why I’m going to boycott all their products,’ he muttered in an exclusive interview with The Obiter.

‘No company is going to tell me to critically reflect upon my underlying beliefs and attitudes in a one and a half minute advertisement. Yuck.’

Referring to an article by far-right publication, The New American, James indicated to us that he could ‘think for himself,’ but that they really ‘said it all.’ In the article, the author writes ‘Men are the wilder sex, which accounts for their dangerousness - but also their dynamism.’

Let’s just pause for a moment to reflect on the fact that’s a real thing that a real online article wrote. Genuinely hilarious. That is the one thing we’ll publish this month that we didn’t make up, and it’s the funniest thing we’ve read in a while. Carrying on!

‘I’m dynamic!’ James yelled as we tried to leave his depressing Toowong studio apartment. ‘My danger leads to my dynamism - I’m so dynamic, I can call women sluts and also be frustrated that they won’t sleep with me in the same breath! I’m Mr Dynamic!’

Hopefully, no more to come.

Tags Lifestyle

College Athletes Furious Their Regular Diet Of Caviar & Foie Gras Interrupted By Frickin’ Burgers!

January 15, 2019 The Obiter
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The Clemson Tigers, in honour of their national championship victory, attended the White House several days ago for a champion’s feast. However, due to the government shutdown forcing the White House chefs to be unavailable, the hungry pack of 20-year-old college athletes were forced instead to endure fast-food burgers, fries, and pizza.

Ew!

Normally, these enormous, hulking athletes who need to eat the equivalent of seven roast chickens a day to maintain muscle mass, snack on nine-course degustation menus before training, with Clemson’s duck fat risotto and scorched garlic sauce a particular favourite.

Indeed, for many of these players, they hadn’t even heard of burgers and pizza before their tragic, heartbreaking visit to the White House, leading many of them to over emphasise the ‘zz’ in pizza. Hence, they pronounced it as if rhymed with ‘scissor.’

Disgusting!

One particularly disappointed attendee was 136kg Alexander Dorrington-Whiteley, who eats, like most college students do, a diet strict on traditional French cooking techniques, and heavy in fresh, rich vegetables, proteins, and oils from the rolling hills of Italy’s Lazio region.

‘Oh, this just simply won’t do,’ said the Clemson Tigers offensive lineman, who needs to eat 8000 calories a day to maintain muscle mass.

‘I don’t see a sniff of a balsamic vinaigrette reduction, and it looks to me as if these chips haven’t been triple-cooked in goose fat. Why do we even bother?’

Curiously, the most popular menu items at the Clemson mess hall are the $1 slice of pizza, and their famous $3-for-2-hamburgers deal, which peaks in popularity at 1.30am in the morning. But we don’t know who’s eating that, because these athletes clear wouldn’t go near a dish that hasn’t been flambéd in brandy before being carved tableside.

Bizarre! Hopefully more to come from these disappointed culinary prodigies who moonlight as football players.

Tags Politics
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