Greg Heffley Contracts Cheese Touch From Unprotected Sex

When his phone rang early Tuesday morning, Greg Heffley hardly expected good news.

After all, he was a wimpy kid. And outside of his diary, which he religiously maintained, there was nothing much going on in his life. Nothing to be excited about. But equally, no reason to be afraid.

All that was about to change.

‘Yeah, who is this?’ muttered Greg, throat still sore from a night of heavy drinking. His Mum and Dad hadn’t been home for a few days, and Greg hadn’t needed a second invitation to suckle down two bottles of mid-shelf whiskey.

It was a Monday night, after all. He had needed something to do.

The voice on the other end of the line was clinical, informative. But a tremble of emotion whilst stating the words ‘test results’ betrayed the bad news to come.

‘I’m -- positive? I can’t be. I fucking can’t be, there’s no way! Check again. Check again, I’m not positive!’ yelped Greg, his happy fog of hedonism slipping away as the doctor calmly repeated his sentence.

‘Greg, you have tested positive for the cheese touch. I’m sorry. We’ve run the tests twice. You have contracted an aggressive form of the cheese touch.’

Greg thought he was a brave kid. He thought he was strong. But that strength slipped away faster than the tears rolling down his cheeks as he grappled with the reality of being afflicted with the cheese touch.

He thought back to all the anonymous, unprotected sex he’d been having. It didn’t matter when. It didn’t matter who. But somewhere amid the haze of contorted, naked bodies, someone must have had the cheese touch.

‘Do you have any idea how long I’ve had it for?’ asked Greg, the doctor growing increasingly impatient with Greg’s incessant questioning.

‘We think no more than two weeks,’ he replied.

There it was. Clear as day. It was Fregley, thought Greg. It must have been Fregley. Fregley gave him the cheese touch, cursing him to a life of ostracisation from those who didn’t have the cheese touch.

‘Is there anything I can do?’ begged Greg, hoping to hear of some miracle cure or new treatment, but knowing he’d only hear bad news. It was worth asking anyway. Prolonging the inevitable was going to have to be Greg’s new motto. He knew he should get used to it.

‘I’m sorry, there’s nothing we can do. Now remember to stay the fuck away from me, I don’t want the god-damn cheese touch!’ yelled the doctor, ending the call.

This is my life now, realised Greg.

The cheese touch does not giveth, it simply taketh away.

No more to come.

Desperate Theresa May To Appear On ‘Deal Or No Deal’

A tired and downtrodden Theresa May has made a truly bizarre move, in an attempt to secure some sort of Brexit deal. After repeatedly being knocked back by the EU, and then her own parliament, the British PM is reportedly at breaking point.

May has allegedly contacted Channel 7 entertainer and former lover, Andrew O’Keefe.

‘Come on Andy, do it for me… Do you remember the summer we spent in Corfu? My body shakes at the thought. Surely you can convince the Channel 7 executives to give you one more episode?’ May was heard whispering into a burner phone.

‘Can’t you just come on The Chase?’ asked a groggy O’Keefe, who had clearly just woken up, because Theresa had forgotten about time zones.

‘No Keefey, darling, I must get a Deal, I must. I must.’

It is unclear at this point exactly what Theresa May hopes to achieve from this appearance. However, political commentators theorise that any winnings will be beneficial to the UK, and be classified as foreign aid after they inevitably leave the EU without a deal.

‘I can’t believe that I will have to subject myself to playing court jester for the colonies to secure my precious deal,’ muttered the quasi-delusional Prime Minister.

Scrawlings found on a bus window (the 379 from the city), believed to have been left by May, have been discovered to proclaim ‘Briefcase 26’.

Political reporters believe this is linked to Andrew O’Keefe famously shouting ‘Booyah!’ whenever briefcase 26 is opened.

More to come.

UQES Legitimately Planning To Murder Someone For Their ‘Cluedonomics’ Ball

The UQES have drawn considerable intrigue to their Economics Ball, with their theme of ‘Cluedonomics’ inspiring memories of long, tedious board games that are won almost exclusively by some dickhead uncle.

But the ‘Cluedonomics’ Ball will not simply be a night of drinking, board games, and more drinking.

The Obiter can exclusively reveal that, as a consequence of internal documents leaked by a whistleblower, we understand the UQES plans to graphically murder a ball attendee in order to fully commit to the ‘Cluedo’ theme.

The attendee will be chosen at random, and after they enter the ballroom, will be promptly taken away and murdered. But who will do the murder? With what weapon? And why is a uni society genuinely suggesting they’ll kill someone? These are all questions we asked the UQES President, Wallace Fitzsimons.

‘It’s all about commitment to a theme, and we think by facilitating the brutal murder of a ball attendee with a rope, a hammer, or a gun, we think we can achieve the best value for all attendees. Except for the one who was murdered, of course,’ indicated Wallace.

‘The victim probably would’ve been murdering his liver by the end of the night, though! Ha ha.’

The Queensland Police Service have proved remarkably blase about the entire matter, muttering they ‘couldn’t get a ticket to the ball,’ and that it was ‘such bullshit.’

Regardless, ball attendees have seemed somewhat nervous about the prospect of being brutally hung by the neck, shot, stabbed, or bludgeoned to death, whilst trying to enjoy some sort of juice-oriented cocktail (like, just give us a beer, seriously).

‘Obviously, a murder would be very exciting,’ proposed 3rd-year BAFE student, Sara Koslowski.

‘Not as exciting as supply-and-demand though! Would you look at that curve? Woah! But yeah, I’d rather not be murdered, if that’s all the same with you.’

Far more to come.

‘I’m Your New PM, Shmacinda Schmarden,’ Says What Is Clearly Scott Morrison In Drag

In breaking news, Australia has once again dispatched a sitting Prime Minister. In a shocking development out of Canberra, novice backbencher Shacinda Schmarden has successfully challenged former-PM Scott Morrison for the leadership of the Liberal National Party.

Ms Schmarden will become Australia’s 31st Prime Minister and 7th in the last 12 years. She is only the second female to hold the job.

‘I am very excited to lead the country, be woke and have babies,’ Prime Minister Schmarden said in her first press conference from Parliament House.

However, the Schmarden Government has only just begun and already finds itself plagued by scandal. Several commentators have noted that Ms Schmarden bares a stunning resemblance to Scott Morrison.

‘Like, it’s clearly just Scott Morrison in bad drag,’ Annabelle Crabbe wrote in an online ABC article entitled ‘Look What The Parliament Dragged In, Also How Good Are Custard Tarts.’

Even Andrew Bolt, an often reliable ally of the Coalition, was willing to entertain the conspiracy. ‘I’m not going to lie, this is a fairly atrocious attempt to win over voters by a person who is, and I will stress this again, very clearly ScoMo in a wig and a dress.

The rumours were only fuelled by revelations that Mr Morrison was spotted at The Beat Megaclub on Friday evening, holding a notebook and pen whilst talk intensely with Ashley Grove, a famed local Queen.

The Government has attempted to get on with the job of governing, with the new Prime Minister announcing a $5 million funding package for Waleed Aly and PedestrianTV.

‘He doesn’t even look hot. If he looked hot I’d all for it,’ said Fraser Anning.

The Prime Minister has begun naming her Cabinet and recently appointed her first Chief of Staff, RuPaul Keating.

JK Rowling Reveals Neville Longbottom Totally Would’ve Cracked An Egg On Fraser Anning’s Head

Joanne Kanne Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series and chronic over-sharer, has today revealed further facts about a key Potter character’s backstory.

In a press announcement made whilst curled up at home with a blanket and a hot mug of tea (ie, on Twitter), Rowling revealed to ravenous fans what Neville Longbottom’s approach to dealing with far-right Australian senators would have been.

Synthesising Neville’s character traits is a difficult task for even the most astute literary students, as he ranged from cowardly to brave across the course of the books, and a fat nerd to incredibly sexy across the course of the films.

But fear not! Rowling has confirmed that, if he was in Australia at the time of Senator Fraser Anning’s comments on the Christchurch shooting, Neville ‘100% would’ve grabbed an egg, and cracked it over Anning’s head.’

Indicating that she had ‘always intended’ the character to be one who would crack an egg over Fraser Anning’s head, Rowling further suggested that Neville might even use a dragon egg.

‘Whilst no bigger in size, dragon eggs are important for characters to use because they ensure there isn’t an over-representation of chicken eggs in media. The diversity of egg types is crucial.’

Tragically for desperate fans, little is known about Neville’s likely actions immediately following the egg-cracking, and exactly how many points it would warrant from Dumbledore. But in an exclusive interview with The Obiter, Rowling was happy to describe Dumbledore’s approach to the points system in alarming depth.

‘Oh, he just made it up as he went along. However many points was needed for Gryffindor to win, that was the go.’

At press time, Joanne is considering letting audiences know that prior to the hypothetical egging, Neville served Anning’s far-right supporters piping hot mugs of Buckbeak’s sperm.

More to come.

‘It’s Like UberEats!’ Says Kings Boy Glad He No Longer Has To Go To The RE To Assault Women

Kings’ College today announced a new chapter in their proud (yep) history. From 2020, the iconic UQ institution will be accepting female residents for the first time.

The announcement has been met with widespread praise from current Kings students.

‘Absolutely stoked,’ said second-year Trav McAllister when The Obiter asked how he felt about the news. ‘Now I won’t even have to leave Kings to drink exorbitant amounts of piss and force myself on girls. It’s like UberEats!’

The change will mean female students will finally be able to fulfil their childhood dreams of living in an environment that for years has been widely regarded as a breeding ground for misogynistic and entitled male behaviour.

You’re welcome, ladies!

Members of the Kings board have dismissed any concerns about the safety of female residents.

‘Harassment and mistreatment of women is a problem that solely exists in the realm of pub crawls and uni balls,’ said a board member who wished to remain anonymous because of all the reasons.

‘No woman has ever faced these issues in their place of residence. No dramas.’

The Royal Exchange Hotel have already started adjusting their revenue expectations for 2020 and beyond in anticipation of the inevitable dive in attendees. In a statement, the venue said, ‘I mean, why would you bother?’

The reactions of female-only colleges on campus have been described as that of a person watching a horror film where the protagonist is about to walk into a clearly dangerous situation – ‘Don’t go in there!?!?’

At press time, the college was considering rebranding as Kings of Queens College.

Excited For Clerkship Evening? Here Are 25 Useful Segues To Brazenly Bring Up Your Relevant Extra-Curricular Involvements

Clerkship Evening is upon us, ladies and gentlemens.

Sure, you may have missed Annual Professional Drinks, but never stress, tonight is the night to make an appearance and ask interesting, thoughtful questions to firm representatives, that also subtly mention the fact you run a small successful entrepreneurial business selling sexy watches, and the skills you learnt from WhoWatchWatchM3!.org are perfectly translatable into the clerkship context.

Not confident in segueing your own achievements into conversation? Well here's some useful one-liners to get the ball rolling - and by ball, I of course mean the fact that you did a week's work experience at Minters in Grade 8!

Just replace [INSERT] with whatever you think gets your name out there:

1. Hello, my name is [NAME]. Speaking of names, did you know that ... [INSERT].

2. Hello, nice jacket. Speaking of jackets, I think I should let you know that [INSERT].

3. Hello, nice shoes. Speaking of shoes, I did [INSERT].

4. Hello, nice nose. Hah, speaking of noses, are you aware that [INSERT].

5. Hello, nice angry face at me interrupting this conversation. Speaking of faces, did you know that [INSERT].

6. I see you are a person. Speaking of persons, are you aware that [INSERT].

7. Oh no! My wallet is missing! Nah, just joking friends. [INSERT].

8. Hello, did you know that [INSERT].

9. Yes, I study here at the University of Queensland. Do you want to know an interesting fact about the University of Queensland, a uni which I attend? Well, I actually [INSERT].

10. LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW! I [INSERT].

11. Hello sir, while I do realise you are currently at the urinal, please let me tell you that [INSERT].

12. Hello madam, yes while I do realise that you are in a cubicle that is very much meant for one person, while you are in here, did you know that [INSERT].

13. Ah yes, I love prawns! I also love [INSERT].

14. Ah yes, I love the drive from Bowen Hills into the city. Here is another fact about me: [INSERT].

15. Yes my day has been good. [INSERT].

16. No I won't leave the building. In fact, [INSERT].

17. Have you seen Captain Marvel? It reminds of me of the time that [INSERT].

18. I literally am here to eat the canapes. That reminds me of a job where I [INSERT].

19. Sorry, I thought this was a cornship evening! Like where we learn about the vessels that transport corn! To corn factories! But I will say, [INSERT].

20. [INSERT].

21. [INSERT], also [INSERT].

22. [INSERT], pause to breathe, [INSERT], [INSERT], [INSERT].

23. Please sir, may I have more jobs? On the subject of poor little kids with jobs, [INSERT about that time you worked at Grill'd].

24. Sorry not sorry to interrupt whatever the dick you were discussing, I did [INSERT].

25. Listen here you snivellous fucks, shove this interesting fact down your fact-hole. I don't care if I've literally run in here from the other side of campus, I don't care that there was a big group chat with other students also using MY segues. Other students merely suck the willy of the big wide world, whereas I HAVE the willy. And on the subject of huge massive willies which I have, I [INSERT].

The last one comes with a guaranteed job offer.

Fraser Anning Releases Statement Blaming Fraser Anning For Egging of Fraser Anning

Controversial Australian senator, Fraser Anning, has been on the receiving end of a public tirade this week after his statements blaming immigration for the massacre of fifty people at mosques in Christchurch on Friday.

The public fury was embodied in a 17-year old boy’s act of attending a political meeting of Mr Anning’s supporters, and egging the Senator from behind.

In the wake of the egg tragedy, Senator Anning has released another one of his trademark statements. However, instead of blaming the now-martyred Egg Boy, Senator Anning blamed himself for the attack.

‘If I hadn’t have been at that meeting, the boy wouldn’t have had anyone to egg,’ Anning explained.

‘I should have had the hindsight to know that being there would have made Egg Boy offended and angry. He was well within his rights to egg me.’

The Senator went on. ‘I detest all acts of violence, obviously. However when you look at this one you’ve got to see that it’s really just my silly fault for thinking I could be safe at own political meeting where I was meeting with likeminded people celebrating our common beliefs.’

Senator Anning says that fact the he himself was fleeing persecution did not make his mistake any more justifiable.

‘Yes, I was at the meeting to escape the prejudice I had endured at the hands of the news media, millennials, politicians on both sides of the aisle, and people with consciences. But the fact that I fled in the first place really makes it my bad.’

Senator Anning said he would not resign.

‘I have a mandate to serve earned from those who elected me. All 19 of them are meeting me for a candlelight vigil later tonight.’

More to come.

Zucced! Mark Zuckerberg Shuts Down Instagram After Selfie Fails To Break 10 Likes

‘If I can’t be validated, then nobody can!’ screamed a distraught Mark Zuckerberg as his wife Priscilla, Queen of the Silicon Valley Desert, wiped away his tears.

‘Be careful, Mark-A19B, the crying short-circuits your electronics,’ she reminded him.

‘I do not understand, I gave them the platform, I peddled them their cheap dopamine and what do I get in return? Ignored and rejected, it’s not fair!’

This is not the first time this has happened. According to Facebook insider, Justin Timberlake (38), the last time Mark failed to break ten likes, he ‘cracked the shits’ and changed the app so it no longer showed individual names of users who had liked the post.

However, it appears that this time Mark has taken it a step further and dragged Facebook and Instagram into the recycling bin.

The UN is calling for Mr Zuckerberg to reverse his decision as the ramifications are being felt around the globe. Influencers are reportedly drying up into prune-like corpses, without the ability to refresh their feeds.

‘It’s fucked. One minute she was fine, and then she started wailing, before turning into ET’s ballsack!’ exclaimed the boyfriend of local influencer Isabell Wain.

A preliminary investigation into the limited number of likes received by Mr Zuckerberg has indicated that Mark is that mate that nobody actually invites but is still around.

A second finding is that the tagline for the academy award winning film ‘The Social Network’ is misleading. The promotional material reads ‘You don’t get to 500 million friends without making a few enemies.’ A more accurate representation would change the number of friends to approximately eight.

For real though, I really need social media back up, or I’m going to do something rash and productive.

Hopefully more likes to come.

Depressed Man’s Apartment Empty After He Is Physically Unable To Spark Joy

As local bachelor Buster Frank (24) sat on his single bed in his single-bedroom apartment, staring at the plain, off-white wall in front of him, he contemplated whether taking Marie’s advice was really the best course of action. After all, the doctor had told him that his body was physically unable to create or process serotonin on its own.

But that’s just a doctor. Marie? Marie has her own Netflix show.

It all started at Christmas when his Mum had bought him Marie Kondo’s best-selling book, ‘Spark Joy’. Michelle Frank has been worried about her son ever since he finished university, and started working in accounting three years ago.

Mrs Frank sighed, and informed us that her son isn’t the same happy-go-lucky kid she used to watch head off to university. By all accounts, instead of a smile, Buster deploys the half-baked nod of a man who spends over twelve hours a day working for essentially minimum wage, on the promise ‘it’ll be worth it in a few years.’

Tired of relentlessly urging her son to visit a clinical psychologist, she turned to The New York Times bestseller list. ‘Why pay $180 a session to sit on a dingy couch, when Marie can fix him for $24.89?’ she thought.

Oooh, and it’s a hardback too. Nice.

In a similar vein, Buster was far more conducive to reading a book by himself than helping some psychiatry flog pay off their Masters.

Marie promised him that his life would be fuller if he threw out everything that failed to spark joy. It started off alright at first, Buster looked around his apartment, realising that his mugs don’t spark joy, and nor do his bowls. ‘Maybe this will work,’ he thought.

With each item that Buster picked up, he hoped that this one would break the numb haze that gripped his brain, to no avail. As the day wore on, Buster’s bin grew ever fuller. Not even the charming duo of Alex and Richard hosting ‘Pointless’ (the UK version, obviously) could save the TV, as it was unplugged and thrown onto the front yard.

‘Do I really like forks? Have they ever brought anyone joy?’ muttered Buster as his cutlery found its way to the rubbish.

A soft meow, came from the corner of the room. It was Bugsy, Buster’s cat, the only company he had since his long-term girlfriend had left him because she felt as though he was ‘prioritizing his job over his life.’ Surely he’ll spark joy.. He stared deep into the green feline eyes.

Unfortunately, not even Bugsy could fix the chemical imbalance inside his troubled brain, and into the bin he went.

Finally, sitting in a room that more closely resembled Nelson Mandela’s Robben Island prison cell than that of a young professional, Buster had a sudden realisation.

‘I should probably get this checked out.’

More to come from this poor soul.