Woman Installs Compass In Car After GPS Tells Her To ‘Head North-East On James Street’

‘Oh yeah, cos that’s fucking helpful!’ screamed Katie Barbour (25), making her seventh wrong turn for the morning.

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Katie Barbour (25) was exiting the car park outside the James St markets last Friday when her GPS uttered something that Katie described as ‘rather strange.’

‘Head North-East on James St,’ the GPS ordered, with its usual nasally twang. Hitting the break abruptly, the young yoga instructor began to panic. Like the rest of us, Katie doesn’t have a fucking clue which way is North, East, South or West.

After re-routing a dozen times or so, Katie decided it was time she put her foot down... on the accelerator and zoom over to her local Bargain Mania (which was in the direction of West, for those interested).

There, Captain Cock sold Katie a CompassProMax180™, the latest and most sought-after compass technology in South-East Queensland.

The young woman has since installed the compass next to the jiggling Hawaiian figurine on her dashboard for use during the day. Katie has also enrolled in an astrology course with the goal of being guided by the stars at night.

This article is proudly sponsored by the CompassProMax180™. Use the checkout code ‘Ob’ for a 10% discount. Terms and Conditions apply. Gamble Responsibly. If it's flooded forget it.

Nation Chooses Trashy Reality TV Over Watching Aerial Skier Land a Quadruple Twisting Triple Backflip

‘Huh, that was actually pretty cool,’ thought Julia Burns (21), as she observed an incredible athlete at their absolute prime (name unknown) who had trained their entire life to be at the Olympics perform a perplexingly difficult routine, during a commercial break of Australian Survivor.

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In an intriguing insight into the human psyche, recent reports have revealed that the entire nation has collectively chosen to tune into a couple of dickheads squabble about their feelings and shit on a reality TV show rather than watch a group of elite athletes perform near-impossible stunts at the Winter Olympics.

Julia, like the rest of us, didn’t know until yesterday that the games were even on.

‘Huh, that actually was kinda impressive,’ she thought after accidently stumbling onto Channel 7 earlier this evening and catching a glimpse of some fairly skilled tricks and flips from some half- decent athletes.

But the jury is still out what’s more impressive: riding around in a luge sled at 160km/hr or having as good a pair of abs as Nathan from Season 3 of Too Hot To Handle.

Food for thought.

Facebook Update Derails Local Girl's Ability To Bitch Behind Best Friend’s Back In Real Time

Backstabbing faces critical endangerment thanks to the controversial new Messenger feature, with young women across the Meta set to no longer be able to covertly capture every latest bit of tea in their friendship circle.

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Hellbent on getting back at all those mean girls who wouldn’t sleep with him in college, the Zuck has introduced an alarming new messenger feature: notifications when screenshots are taken.

Local girl, Maeve (21) already knows this will ruin her life.

Gone are her days of screenshotting every passive aggressive message she receives from her uni group and flicking it to her friends with a quick “can you believe this bitch?”

Maeve also now fears that she will never find love.

‘How the fuck am I supposed to know if someone is my one true love if the group chat can’t dissect his messages as team?’ she wondered.

Between tears she assured one of our reporters that ‘organic conversation’ and ‘independent thinking’ are for boomer losers who don’t have heaps of friends to help them navigate every confusing messenger conversation they encounter.

Believing she still had time before the update was put into effect, Maeve got to work. She documented all of the evidence she could possibly need to start a fight on a rainy day or defend herself against salacious accusations. Like any meticulous record keeper, she stored that evidence sporadically in her 4000 photo camera roll that badly needed an iCloud storage update.

Unfortunately for Maeve, each screenshot triggered a notification.

It has since been reported that she’s moved to a deserted island.

No more to come.

Second Year Law Student Convinced He Can Talk Himself Out of Getting Kicked Out of Friday's

‘This is a miscarriage of justice, bro! I have rights!’ Tom Olsen (19) declared to an unimpressed 6'3, 127kg, bearded seccy, who continued to gnaw relentlessly on his fifth piece of chewing gum for the evening.

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Shocking news coming out of Eagle Street this evening, with local ex-GPS law student, Tom Olsen, attempting, unsuccessfully, to Harvey Spector his way out of being shown the door at Friday’s.

‘It’s just fucked, you know, I bet he doesn’t even know the law,’ a disgruntled Olso grumbled to us as he made his way to GyG, earnestly puzzled at why the Friday’s burly bouncer didn’t seem interested in the fact that he got a 6 in Contracts A.

It appears Tom’s evening had gone from bad to worse, with the elite mixed netballer reportedly having spotted his ex happily enjoying an Aperol Spritz just hours prior.

This is no doubt what sparked a series of events which culminated in Olso being advised by the frightfully enormous seccy that his night was over.

‘You’re done, sorry mate,’ the big boy told Tommo grimly, gently massaging his shoulder, moments after spotting him trying to punch on with no one in particular after they ‘looked at [him] funny’.

After a noble attempt at persuasion, which involved quoting the Magna Carta and multiple references to the civil rights movement, Tom’s night was indeed over.

More valiant attempts at saving the evening to come.

'If You Count The Seconds Since The Flash You Can Tell How Far Away The Lightning Is,' Announces Office Nerd

‘Each second is equivalent to one kilometre so it’s a rather simple calculation,’ chirped a smug Quinton Cook (32), barely containing his excitement at the cumulonimbi that La Nina had presented him this evening.

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Trapped inside as the clock struck 5, the Queen Street office was filled with a defeated realisation. It was a sure bet to those at WAP Inc. that Head of Information Technology, Quinton Cook, would seek to impart his cub scout knowledge onto the rest of the office - as he had done every other stormy Brisbane evening that year.

‘It’s pissing down, isn’t it?’ accountant Rob Lanning exclaimed, hopping to delay Quinton’s unwanted lecture for at least another minute.

But it was no use.

“If you look at the flash then count the seconds you can calculate how many kilometres away the lightening struck.” The office instinctively turned around.

On queue, it was Quinton, standing at the back window, overlooking nature’s fury. Calm. Collected. Calculating. “Each second is equivalent to one kilometre so it is a rather simple calculation.”

A deafening silence filled the office. Quinton had once again emerged victorious.

One by one, a captivated IT department joined their all-mighty leader Quinton at the back of the office, each of them shadowing him in his quest to triangulate each lightening strike.

More factoids to come.

Russia To Cheer Themselves Up Over Medvedev Defeat By Invading Neighbouring Sovereign State

‘That’ll show them,’ spat a sour Daniil Medvedev (25, Russian Tennis Player, Not the 2022 Australian Open Grand Slam Men’s Singles Champion, Flog).

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Historic scenes in Melbourne last night, with Rafael Nadal taking home a record 21st men’s Grand Slam title, defeating archetypal Russian villain, Daniil Medvedev, in five sets.

While an unquenchable thirst for power and influence was enough of a reason for Putin to invade his eastern european neighbour, his sulky teenager top athlete being beaten by a champion Spaniards has certainly pushed him over the edge, quite literally.

‘That’ll show them,’ spat a sour Daniil Medvedev (25, Russian Tennis Player, Not the 2022 Australian Open Grand Slam Men’s Singles Champion, Flog) when one of our reporters advised him of this news.

The angry Russian then proceeded to tell our correspondent that he was a ‘little cat’ who should ‘look at [him] when [he] talks to him!’. Nice fella.

No more to come.

'HAHAHAHAHAAHHA I LITERALLY CAN'T BREATHE,' Messages Completely Straight-Faced Girl

‘Yeah, nah, I didn’t actually find what he said that funny,’ a candid Laura Small (19) divulged to The Obiter.

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In breaking news, a young woman has just mastered the art of telling a porky-pie over text. Laura Small (19, but with the maturity of a 20-year-old) was texting her boyfriend, Josh Long (19), when she decided sending a series of “haha’s” was way easier than just dumping the man for being seriously unfunny.

She even chucked in some sideways laughing face emojis for authenticity.

‘Yeah, nah, I didn’t actually find what he said that funny,’ Laura admitted.

But the facade clearly worked, with Josh’s ego increasing by at least three. Among other lies, including, “I’m fine,” “I have work in the morning,” and, “how good is sex,” the “haha’s” have become a fan favourite among the youth of today.

Recent data has revealed some even add a “b” to the start to really jazz it up. ‘I’m telling you, a BAHAHA is a real winner with the ladies,’ a simp told The Obiter.

Facebook’s Anti-Bullshit Team is considering inserting a “lie-detector” feature on Messenger, alongside the controversial “read” feature. With the team only just commencing discussions now, the lie-detector will likely not be added until late 2023.

The kids’ lies are safe for now.

More laughs to come... or not.

Beyond Blue Poster Alerts Man Who Wasn’t Anxious Until Now That He Did In Fact Forget To Lock The Door

‘Ah, shit,’ grumbled Luke Burns (21) to himself, as he came to this dreaded realisation drying his hands in the bathroom just outside the food court.

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Beyond blue for years has been providing uni students with some mesmerising toilet-time entertainment. 

Its most recent campaign, ‘did I lock the door’ resonates especially well with students who grew up with an overbearing helicopter parent. 

Taking the viewer through a simple 23-step BuzzFeed style quiz, The Obiter can confirm the campaign’s effectiveness, with an alarming amount of students coming to the nerve-racking conclusion that in fact they didn’t lock their door and their family does in fact now hate them.

What once was a stress-releasing time of the morning, has now turned into a whack-in-the-fucking-face reminder that this student is a forgetful dumbass.

Sources have revealed that the campaign for next month is already underway to help students discern: ‘Do you feel like there is someone watching you?’ and ‘Did no one really smell that silent-but-deadly?’ 

Don’t forget to lock the door.

'Nah, Got Nothing': Bunnings Advertising Team Fires Blanks At Brainstorming Session, Again

‘If it ain’t broke, I guess,’ sighed Jeff Bunnings, CEO at Bunnings Warehouse, after his team of six-figure advertising execs emerged from a marathon three-hour long creative conference with absolutely no new ideas.

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‘Oh, I’ve got it, I’ve got it!’ declared an excited Scott, Team Member, picking up the phone to call the Head of Advertising, Jim Bunnings, son of John Bunnings.

‘Jim, Jim, I’ve got a new idea for an ad we could do on the tele!’

No reply came from the other end of phone.

‘Jim, Jimbo, you there mate?’.

Still nothing.

‘Hi, this is Jim. Sorry, I’m not in the office right now, and haven’t been since about 2007. Please leave a message. Thanks. Bye.’

Ah, that explains a fair bit.

More of the same annoyingly catchy jingles to come.

Local Chippy Snarls At Bloke Modelling 'Tradie' Underwear Who's Just Clearly Not a Tradie

“Oh, have a go, mate,” spat Johnno Brooks (32), employee at Johnno & Sons Builders, as he watched another white-collar smart alec try to pass off as a genuine member of the high-vis brigade.

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Chippy Johnno Brooks (23), employee of Johnno & Sons Builders and son of Johnno Brooks (50), says his recent discovery at his local Jetts Fitness was “unnerving” and “rattled [him] to the core”.

It was as a mid-20s man stretched out on the bench press that his Chicago Bulls jersey lifted to reveal, to Johnno’s upset, a suspiciously sculpted lower core but, more alarmingly, the elastic band of the man’s fluoro yellow Tradie briefs. 

Johnno’s long-time friend, and QUT accounting major identified “that wanker” as a UQ journalism student. We are yet to track down the man, but the damage has been done — Johnno cannot believe those outside his professional circle would lay claim to underwear clearly not built for them. 

“The fact that these non-tradie dickheads would parade around is outrageous and misleading,” he said. “It’s fraud! Blatant, daylight fraud! You don’t see me hitting the Valley in Jockey undies, do ya?” 

No more to come.